Ask the Teen Team
From LoveToKnow Teens
Do you need advice about dating and relationships? Do you need some ideas on how to deal with peer pressure or a concerned parent? Perhaps you just need some tips on handling a formal occasion. If so, you've come to the right place!
Who We Are
The Teen Team is a mom and daughter duo who want to assist you with your problems, no matter how big or small. Currently, the Teen Team includes:
Melissa Havard
Melissa has been a guest lecturer on the subject of social responsibility, the First Amendment, and the entertainment industry at Yale University, the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, the University of California, Los Angeles and the University of Southern California. Melissa is on the Advisory Board of the Jason Foundation; a member of Women in Film and NARAS. She has been a consultant to several feature films and television series, including the recent hit, JUNO. In 2006, Melissa worked with the Kaiser Family Foundation assisting with their Entertainment Media Partnership outreach, and launch of Fox Broadcasting's PAUSE campaign. Melissa also serves as a media/strategy consultant to LA Youth Newspaper and provides pro bono services to the Andre Sobel River of Life Foundation as well as numerous other projects.
Melissa holds B. A. in French and International Business from Florida State University, and a Master of Arts in Human Behavior from National University, Sacramento.
Check out her LoveToKnow Interview, You Would if You Loved Me.
Katie
Katie is highly qualified to write for the teen team because she is, in fact, a teenager. Also, she's a senior writer at LA Youth Student Newspaper. She is firmly dedicated to making herself ridiculous for your amusement. This year, Katie was a recipient of the 2008 Charlie Award for excellence in creative writing at her high school.
Read Katie's LoveToKnow Interview, Expert Prom Tips.
Check out Melissa and Katie's Radio Disney interview here!
Current Questions
Hey Melissa and Katie! Um...remember that earlier problem I sent about? More on the latter part about his best friend who's also my best friend who likes me and he tried to discourage me about it? Well, he went too far. I stood up for me and the guy I like, and well...he got mad. REAL mad. He even went so far as to cuss twice in the reply email he sent me. He doesn't know I know, and blamed his rudeness for "family problems" even though earlier he said it was something else. Which is one of the reasons how I know he's lying. He doesn't stand a chance with someone who's as observant as I am.
Anyways, he says he's sorry and I could understand why he said everything he said. Still though, He hurt my feelings and I...I just can't forgive him. Especially since he got mad over something as stupid as this. But if I don't, what if he spreads my deepest darkest secrets around school? I always could trust that he wouldn't but now...I'm not so sure. Am I being too harsh? Should I forgive him? ~~Thiscan'tbehappening!!
Advice from Melissa
Dear This can’t be happening:
You’ve already said in your first paragraph that he was rude, and lied. Not a good sign. I think you already answered your own question, I think you should just let it go, take a step back, and not go for this person. There’s nothing you can do if he breaks a trust and starts blabbing, but most likely, if you just politely pull way back and leave him alone…it will be fine.
Advice from Katie
TCBH!! WHAT????
Okay I got out my flowchart. It sounds like…the guy you like…is a dillhole. Date his best friend, he sounds nice. And serves your crush right.
~~Katie
I'm supposed to be in love with this guy. And I am. But doesn't being in love mean that you don't love anyone else but that one person? Yet...I find myself falling for one of my friends that I met this year. He's a dork (not really, but to me he is) and everything and at first I hated him and I made sure he knew it and that everyone else did too. At the time I didn't think it rationally possible that I'd ever like him. But now...he and I get along a lot better and he even looks a bit cute. He makes me feel the same way the guy I love makes me feel. But I'm not supposed to be in love with him!! If I am, then everything I've said makes me a huge hypocrite, but I've always lived by the rule not to let anyone's opinion to rule my life. So I don't know why exactly I'm refusing to accept the fact that I maybe-could be-possibly like him. Or maybe I do know, all the other girls in my class flirt with him and he kind of flirts back (if he knew how). I can't like him too. For years, I've been the different one; I've been the one to set the curb. I'm not like everyone else and that's what I pride in myself. So why am I falling for this guy that everyone else is falling for too???
Oh and to add one more stone to the water, his best friend who's also my best friend, may like me as more than a friend. I know this because he smiles a lot at me, does whatever I say, and when I told him about a guy I liked once, he tried to discourage me without hurting my feelings. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? ~~Thiscan'tbehappening!!
Advice from Melissa
Dear ThisCan'tBeHappening:
When you are really in love with someone, that doesn't mean you won't have feelings or be attracted to others. It's human nature to want to be admired, respected, and know you are attractive to others. In other words, you have a pulse. You're young, alive and growing. The difference is in a mature love, you don't act on fleeting moments of "humaneness" because you so love and respect the person you are committed to. In your case, it sounds to me that you are not ready to commit yourself to one person and just one person only. That's ok. At this point in your life, you are learning who you are and experimenting with new ideas, thoughts, feelings and people. My advice is to be honest in accepting that you aren't ready for just one guy quite yet. Just be honest with others so you don't lead anyone on.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
TCBH!!,
- But doesn't being in love mean that you don't love anyone else but that one person? Not always. That's why they have the "Its complicated" status on Facebook.
- But I'm not suppose to be in love with him!! Maybe you're not supposed to be in love with him, but you are and you're gonna have to deal with that. You know, its possible for you to have a crush on another guy and still love your boyfriend — as long as you don't act on your crush it's not the worst thing in the world. You may want to consider breaking up with boyfriend, though. The crush may be a sign that the original relationship is coming to a close.
- I can't like him too. For years, I've been the different one, I've been the one to set the curb. I'm not like everyone else and that's what I pride in myself.
Yes you CAN like him too! He's not some band that suddenly everyone's into because its cool, he's a PERSON. Yeah, it's cool to be different but you know — if you pretend NOT to like something (or someone) that you actually DO like because it's not "different" enough for your persona then you're "letting other people's opinions influence the way you think".
It's being a poser. And it's wickedly dumb. And if you go with what you truly like and what you really want 100 percent of the time, and you trust yourself and your instincts and don't go on what you're "supposed" to be like, then trust me, you will be different from most teenagers.
~~Katie
Hey, my name is Nick I am from Nebraska, and I am fashionably challenged. I have managed to convince my parents to let me to go Miami this spring break, but I want to look good. Do you have any suggestions?? I am a big fan of American Eagle, but I have trouble picking out outfits? Can you help? ~~Nick
Advice from Melissa
Hi Nick:
You didn't say your age and I don't know what you look like, but if you like clothes from American Eagle and they make you feel confident and comfortable, then go for it. Usually, one of the salespeople can help you coordinate a few cool items to make sure they fit. I'd avoid anything too tight, too baggy, and too pink. Don't over pack either. Miami is mostly about beachwear -- and I doubt you'll need anything too formal. You will be on the beach a lot and you'll need to protect yourself because you can get burnt to a crisp very easily in the Florida sun. Good sunglasses, a hat, and sunscreen are also important. Have fun on your spring break!!
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Nick,
I can't pick out outfits for you but I can tell you that trying to look "fashionable" is a wasted pursuit. Wear what you feel looks good on you, because if you shop based only on what you think you should wear (rather than what you'd want to wear), you'll end up just looking uncomfortable and awkward, which is never attractive no matter how cool your clothes are. I will say this though: resist Hawaiian t-shirts. And puka shells. Miami or no Miami: trust me.
~~Katie
Hello, I’m 13 and am in public middle school. I have liked this girl for about a year and a half now. We have all our classes together. I think she likes me because every time I look at her she’s staring at me and vice versa. We’re into almost all the same things: competitive swimming, base/softball, track. I want to ask her out but I’m not sure how and I can never get her alone. I’m afraid of what her friends will think and what mine will. Help, Please.
~~Noah
Advice from Melissa
Dear Noah:
It sounds like you and this girl have a lot in common! One way to talk with her is online. You can take a deep breath and just go for it -- but keep it kind of light and not too serious at first. Since you both run track, maybe you could ask her to go jogging with you to start off (safe) then you can have your time alone. You can also do something special for her for Valentine's Day, as long as it's not too mushy. Two tickets to something and maybe one flower? You have to get over worrying about what your friends think... they are going to tease you no matter what. Just don't show it bothers you and they'll leave you guys alone after a bit. Good luck!
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Dear Noah,
Well, from what you've told me it sounds like she might like you -- at least, she’s not so repulsed by you that she can't bear to look at you. So you have that going for you, which is nice. Also, you sound like you have a lot in common (also, nice). Why don't you just ask her to hang out alone, outside of school one weekend? (It'll be kind of a date but you don't have to call it that). You can ask her out then. And don't worry what your friends say -- at 13, OF COURSE they're going to tease you (be honest, you'd probably tease them) but they're probably just jealous of your hot girlfriend. Good luck!
~~Katie
Hey Melissa, Hi Katie!
I just wanted to say thanks so much for the advice; I couldn't stop thinking about him all week and was kind of feeling down today but you guys made it so much better!!
Sorry about the "retarded" word, Melissa, it's just that well, in the time that I met him, I don’t know why but my mind goes blank when I'm around him, I asked him "Is the wet sponge we're using going to be wet?" And then he just turned around and was like "NAW, the wet sponge is going to be dry!! RETARD!!" then he laughed his goofy laugh and just held up his hands and said he was kidding. I didn't mind really I just laughed and hit him playfully in the arm. I don’t know, I guess I just think of that word whenever I think of him because I never heard anyone call me stupid or even joke about it before. But I know what you mean, and I'll be more considerate about using that word. Thank you for saying I'm confident!
He is sweet Katie!! And silly! Thanks for calling me adorable! I so needed to hear a compliment today! I know what you both mean, I don't plan on ratting anyone out, I think that's wrong, for me to tell him if she was cheating since well... it'll make him upset and he probably would've wanted to hear it from one of his guy friends instead.
Which is why I'm here, to thank you and tell you that they broke up!! The first day when we came back from school from Christmas Break. I know I shouldn't be happy since you know two people broke up but I'm happy because it didn't last long enough to have anyone crying and HE BROKE UP W/ HER!!! Yay! (Bad I know) So Valentine's Day is coming up, and when I said we hung out together, we were in this play together and I made friends with everyone else too. I was thinking of getting everyone a Valentine's Day gift including him. Do you think I should? I mean it wouldn't be too obvious would it? Since it's not just for him. Though I think I'll get him something extra that's from a "secret admirer" and stick it on his locker or something.
It's just that I have this raw feeling that's telling me, SOMEHOW, just SOMEHOW, he'll find out I'm his "secret admirer". Am I being paranoid? ~~Headoverheels
Advice from Melissa
Dear Headoverheels:
Glad things seem to be working in your favor. A Valentine’s gift is a great idea, as long as it’s not too mushy, and that you don’t overdo it. What’s his favorite music? What about two tickets to an event he might want to attend? Baked cookies but nothing too syrupy. All would be good. One big heads up, don’t freak or get sad if he doesn’t do same for you. If you do a gift without any big expectations for something in return, that’s the best way to handle. Good luck!!!
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
H over H,
Don't feel guilty about being happy about the breakup (unless he's unhappy, then feel bad for him; but since it was such a short relationship, I'm guessing he's not too heartbroken). The fact is- helloooo, you did the right thing by waiting and you're in the clear now. I think the Valentines day thing is a great idea. And yeah, he might guess that you're his secret admirer. (especially if your secret admirer message is on the same kind of Valentine that your gift to the whole cast is on. May I suggest you just give out candy? Everybody loves candy.) As for the actual "secret admirer" stuff-- I have three bits of advice:
- You can be sweet, but don't be mushy. The fact that you're doing a secret admirer thing is sweetness enough. Boys do not like flowers. They don't like stuffed animals either. I stand by the candy suggestion.
- UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD YOU WRITE POETRY. NO NO NO NO NO. DON'T.
- If you leave him any sort of message, make it short and very simple, and VAGUE. "Happy Valentines day from your secret admirer" is a safe bet. Anything else you might add could give it away (see: happy Valentines day from your secret spongy admirer). The more you write, the easier it will be for him to guess who you are.
But admit it, you kind of want him to guess, don't you?
~~Katie
Okay so I've been trying to figure out how to dress for a while now. I don't like getting dressed up. I like plain clothes but I also love the bohemian style - like lots of necklaces, and kind of loose clothing that's just real- bohemian. I need to find a happy medium, but I'm not sure how. How do you think I should dress? Oh and just to let you know, I really don't like stores like Abercrombie or Hollister, so please don't tell me to shop there (although I don't know why you would) ~~Edie
Advice from Melissa
Hi Edie:
Without knowing your age, and body type, and where you live, I can only advise you on a few things. First, I'd accessorize with jewelry, shoes, scarves and belts on the bohemian side and match with slightly more tailored, classic look. It adds fun with sophistication. Classic clothes involve pieces that never go out of style. Great white oxford men’s shirts, black pencil skirts, khaki pants, good fitting jeans, trench coat, etc. Also, I really like ethnic jewelry and I really like eco friendly clothing or accessories/clothing lines that practice fair trade and help good causes. Some great sites to check out...
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Edie,
Honestly, I can't give you specifics. You sound like you have a pretty good idea of what you like -- I would advise you to stick with that and dress like the textbook definition of a certain style ("bohemian") or you'll end up looking like you're trying too hard. Or you'll look like you're going to a costume party. My advice is to mix in the familiar pieces that you love with some of your boho things (your necklaces, and such) so that you can wear the style you want but still look like an individual and not like a fashion plate. Also, try and find some good vintage stores or a flea market near where you live. It’s a nice alternative to the mall.
~~Katie
PS: Did you know that you share a name with a fashion icon? Look up Edie Sedgwick. I don't know if she's your kind of bohemian, but she’s mine... minus the mad bad addiction issues, of course.
Hi Melissa, hi Katie! Okay so a year ago, I met this boy in my class. Wild, retarded (not literally, but you I thought he was stupid) and never prepared for class guy. He would ALWAYS ask for a pencil and me being the unlucky one to sit next to him, I would lend him mine. Sometimes when they ran out of lead or when my pens ran out of ink. He'd throw them away w/o even telling me!! Cuz I could've easily refilled them! Not to mention he was one of those preppy, can get anything or any girl he wanted and all he had to do was snap his fingers to get it. Not that he did or had to, cuz the preppy, shallow mean girls were already lined up for him. Yeah. He was THAT good-looking, but that just made me dislike him even more. He was also friends with all the people I didn't really like that much. Sometimes when something embarrassing happened to me, it'd happen right in front of him, and I never knew why, but whenever it did, I would search the crowd for his face as if wondering what he thought and usually I'd find him looking at me...staring, mouth slightly open. It would make me go even redder! As if I didn't have enough problems than worrying about what this guy thought! So you can say I really resented him.
But then...as the year started to progress. I started to see who he really was. In class, usually only I'd know the answers cuz I am pretty much the class brain, which was boring. Then he'd be raising up his hand, answering questions, whether he got it right the first time, it didn't matter because if he didn't, he still try. Something I never saw anyone else even do. That surprised me because well, none of his preppy friends even paid attention, but he would. He would even ask me questions, not copying but generally wanting to know. His usual ugly hairstyle actually looked pretty cute, his big puppy-dog eyes were like black holes, and I felt like they could suck me in. His usual charismatic attitude became funny and something I looked forward to every day. One day he even made me laugh so hard I cried. I made him laugh too at the same time. I think it was the first day I started to think he wasn't all that bad. I would pick on him in class and he the same with me. He would tell me stuff he didn't usually tell people. Sometimes he would stare straight into my eyes as if trying to see inside me.
That I think is when I fell for him. The year passed pretty quickly and before I knew it we were in different classes this time, which was disappointing. I didn't see him for a bit except for a few glances in the hallway. One day we got to hang around each other again for a bit, short time though it was, I remembered why I liked him (not that I forgot) and he actually waves at me when I wave now. He has a girlfriend now but I still love him all the way through. I know, you should keep your eyes off attached guys but I know she doesn't love him. I know this because she cheated on all her boyfriends and even with her best friend boyfriends, cruel and heartless so what's to say she wouldn't do it to him? Which by the way, her is how she got him; he was originally her best friend's boyfrienc. I want to know how to win him over. My life is like that "Teardrops On My Guitar" song by Taylor Swift!!!
~~Headoverheels
Advice from Melissa
Dear Headoverheels:
Where do I begin? You obviously took a lot of time to write so I want to be thoughtful with the reply. Before I get into "helping" you though, I want to just let you know that the word "retarded" even used as a joke to describe silly behavior, is really offensive to so many. It has unintended negative stereotypes with it, so going forward, please wipe that from your vocabulary.
Secondly, your question about how to win your guy over....if he has a girlfriend right now, even if she's cheated or cheating on him, there's not much you can do except wait it out. By telling on her, it only makes YOU look bad and like a jealous desperate girl. Let the truth come out, because it always will anyway. My advice is to back off, but be nice, friendly but in a platonic way. Smile at him, say hello, talk about the weather, school, whatever.
You obviously don't have a confidence problem. Relax and keep all your options open for now. If it's meant to be, it will be.
Advice from Katie
Headoverheels,
Aw! He sounds lovely, if not a bit misguided (for dating that other girl and not you). You don't have to stop liking this guy, but you can't act on your affections just yet. Unfortunately, you'll have to wait out that relationship -- you can't go and try to be a home wrecker, he'll hate you. But it doesn't sound like it will last long with this other girl, anyway. Once it's over, you're free to pounce. Ask him to hang out, (or get some mutual friends to ask him AND you to hang out) and then you can win him over by being your adorable self.
xx
Katie
I’m 15 and I’m in love with my friend. I known her for three years now and we occasionally have small flirts with each other. I kind of feel that she likes me back, but I’m not really sure. I want to ask her out but I don't want to ruin our friendship. (Please give me some advice). ~~Jonathon
Advice from Melissa
Dear Jonathon:
You’ll never know what might be unless you go for it. That being said, there’s always that small chance that things could get weird if she doesn’t feel the same. If you can be mature and possibly even have a sense of humor, even if she doesn’t want to take things to next level, you can still retain your good friendship. In the meantime, maybe suggest that the two of you go see the movie JUNO. NOTE: there is an unexpected, unplanned pregnancy part — DON’T do that!!! But the film’s underlying theme is about a guy and a girl who are best friends and then… well you’ll have to see the movie, but it’s a good conversation starter for your situation.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Jonathon,
This is a good way to test the waters: “The other day (insert name) asked me if you and I were going out! Go figure!” and see how she reacts. Don’t expect her to say: “Probably because we have crazy sexy chemistry. I want you.” But see if she blushes or stammers with her, “Well, (Insert name) is… uh, obviously crazy! Ha! I mean, you and me? ha ha!” – that’s a good sign. Any indicators will be subtle, however, “Ewwwwwwwwww, I hope no one heard her.” is probably a bad sign.
Watch her carefully. After that, I just have to tell you that, when you date a friend, you will always have the risk of ruining the friendship if the relationship goes sour. That is just a chance you’ll have to take.
~~Katie
Hi Melissa and Katie, This is probably going to sound incredibly stupid, but I’m 17 and I’ve never had a boyfriend or been kissed. I know it’s not unheard of, but I’m worried about how the first time will go now that I’ve waited so long. I like to think that I’m genuinely a good kid – I don’t drink, smoke, etc. and I have good grades, friends, and everything like that. I’m not usually shy either, but I think the fact that I go to an all-girls high school has affected the way I interact with guys. I recently met a guy that I really like, which makes me nervous. I know that he’s had girlfriends before. He goes to a different school and we don’t really have any friends in common. We talk often, and I think there’s a chance he might like me too, which makes me even more nervous! I asked him to my school’s winter dance, which is coming up. I really want both of us to have a good time, but I’m not sure how to make sure he has fun. Also, I enjoy dancing but my dancing skills aren’t exactly up to par. Ideas of telling him that I like him or just kissing him are scary, but I also don’t like the idea of sitting around and hoping that something happens. I’m in new territory here, and I would appreciate any advice you could give me for the dance and beyond. Thanks! ~~Janelle
Advice from Melissa
Janelle:
First, although you may think 17 is ancient for not ever having a boyfriend, it’s not. So don’t feel like your dilemma is incredibly stupid. In fact, it’s more common than you think. Because you go to an all-girl school, it can sometimes make it challenging to date, as you already know. That being said, you sound terrific and the fact you already have a date to your school’s winter dance is great. In terms of your dancing skills, you can’t go wrong with a basic slow dance — if you watch most any high school movie out there, (Sixteen Candles is a fun one) there are some very basic things to do that are very easy. Let him lead. Sometimes your dad can be a great dance partner (just to show you some initial things) if that’s an option as well. For fast dances, as long as you’re not trying to be the girl in Flashdance, no one really cares. Relax. In terms of kissing, on the first date, there’s nothing wrong with a small kiss on the cheek. It’s friendly, nonthreatening, and classy. If you continue to see this boy, the other (physical part) can come naturally; he’ll either guide you, or if you both are kind of new at it, you’ll learn together, which can be fun. Whatever you do, don’t pressure yourself into doing things or being someone you’re not. Just enjoy the moment, carpe diem, and look spectacular in your winter dance outfit. A nice smile, eye contact, is always a good indication that the chemistry is there. Go with the flow. Good luck
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Janelle,
No, don’t worry, it’s totally not “unheard” of. Hmm… well, if I were you I would have tried to make my first date with this guy a little more low-key, but hey, you get to wear a pretty dress and that certainly counts for something. Re: the dancing thing. Usually, dances are dark. So that helps. Everyone around you will be so caught up in how they dance and how they look that no one will notice the way you dance unless you try and breakdance. Nobody is putting you under a microscope! And also- the boy is just as nervous as you are. No matter how much experience you have, the first date is always a little scary. As for the kissing: you don’t have to make the first move but you don’t have to sit around and wait for him to get things going:
SCENE: Your doorstep (or his) after the dance. EXT. Night
YOU
(Looks in his eyes, meaningfully)
"I had a really great time tonight."
(puts hand on his arm)
You say he’s had girlfriends before? If he has, then he should take the hint and follow along.
~~Katie
Hey I know this really cute guy that I’ve known for two years and I hang out with him everyday after school!! What should I do? I really like him, more like love him, and his personality - he's nice, respectful about himself and others and very trust worthy. He is always thinking of others and not himself! We made out once, but we said there was no connection. So what should I do? It will be a good relationship, but I’m moving. ~~Paige
Advice from Melissa
Paige:
If you are moving, (and I’m assuming you mean moving away from your school and possibly out of your town) and you’ve already made out once and you both said there was no connection, I wouldn’t get too focused on this guy. You can always stay in touch online and by texting, and one day, you two might meet again and sparks fly. In the meantime, just be sweet and hang on to the nice memory and enjoy his being really sweet.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Paige:
Well, if you made out once and there was no connection, you might just be better off as best friends than boyfriend and girlfriend. Boys and girls can be friends without dating. He sounds like a wonderful person but if there’s no chemistry, in my opinion, there’s no point to trying to force each other into a relationship. Two people can be perfect for each other on paper, and, even if they SEEM like a good match, if they have no chemistry, they won’t make a good relationship. I’d stay friends with him for now, especially since you’re moving.
~~Katie
Hi. My name is Conner and I am 13. I have a crush on a hot girl called Stephanie. We are friends and we have dated before. I don’t have the confidence to ask her out. If any one has any tips on what I should do please tell me. ~~Conner R.
Advice from Melissa
Conner:
Start a friendly chat with her about school stuff. Ask her a lot of questions about herself--what she likes to do, fav music, etc. Is she on facebook? Do you guys IM? Maybe flirt a bit that way. It's always safe to start out with a group type activity. A football game, a music event. Keep it casual at first and if she responds well and smiles a lot at you, then she probably would be interested in a date. If not, then at least you'll know, keep your pride in tact, and have a good friend-girl. One thing you shouldn't do---have a friend ask her out for you. Very lame.
Advice from Katie
Conner,
If you’re not comfortable enough to ask her out, you should wait until you guys are closer and you feel better about doing it. Also, remember why you broke up the last time and consider all of that before you decide to date her again. I know she’s hot, but it also didn’t work out once, so that might mean something.
~~Katie
I really like this guy who I've known for eight years now. In my face he's even said I was in his top five girls. I'm the third, according to him. I really trust him, he's one of my best friends. I have been questioning myself on whether or not I should ask him, because I really do know what love is, and I'm in love with one of my best friends who is two years older than me. He knows and he appreciates it, but I know I'll never have a chance with him, ever. So, I've pretty much given up all hope. I actually do want to be with the first guy, my age, but I don't know what I should say or do or if it's even worth it to ask him since he likes two other girls. I'm also scared of getting rejected, please help me! Thanks. ~~Anne
Advice from Melissa
Anne,
If he likes two other girls and you are number #3 on the list and not number #1, sounds like it's best to appreciate being friends and move on. Just always be nice and kind, and don't be petty. Over time, things can change and his feelings/your feelings may be on the same page. But for now, I'd explore other options.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Anne:
Forget him. You deserve to be #1. Don’t settle. End of story.
~~Katie
Hi, I’m 15 and my parents don’t trust me any more because I started to smoke. I really like this guy, but we have dated in the past and my parents didn’t like him so I had to break up with him. I kept seeing him all the time behind my parents back and we'd always hang out at his friends house...and one day I kissed his friends while he wasn’t there. Now I’m wondering if I should talk to him or let him go -- even though he was my first actual boyfriend. ~~Miranda_xo
Advice from Melissa
Dear Miranda:
- I hope you are not smoking any more because it’s a stupid waste of money, an overrated prop, it makes your breath stink, ages you faster than just about anything, and causes major health problems. So enough of that lecture.
- Did you start smoking because of this guy and is that why perhaps your parents didn’t like him, or are there other reasons? Often, parents’ instincts are right about character, and although you may not want to hear this, I’d think really seriously about whether or not breaching their trust again (with this guy) is worth it.
- My advice: Let it go, gain their trust back by being honest, and respecting their rules/guidelines for you. Next time, think about what kind of person you’d want your 15-year-old daughter (when you’re a mom) to pick for a boyfriend, and focus on that type of boy.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Hi Miranda,
It sounds like you should let him go. If you’re kissing his friends and stuff, you’re either not invested in him enough or you’re not mature enough for a boyfriend. The fact that he was your first actual boyfriend has sentimental value, I know, but otherwise it doesn’t matter much. Don’t cheat on people, it’s a horrible thing to do to someone you’re supposed to care about. Wait till you’re ready to handle a relationship to get back in the game. Also, smoking is bad for you.
~~Katie
Okay so I really want to go on America's Next Top Model, but my friends always call me ugly. I'm sorta nerdy too and I really like American history, but I think that if I lived in the model house, all my knowledge of this will go to waste. I want to be beautiful like Tyra and fierce like MS Jay and George Washington. I think I'm pretty and in textbooks, Martha Washington isn't that pretty, so do I have a chance? ~~NerdyPrettyGirl
Advice from Melissa
Dear NerdyPrettyGirl,
Being a professional model and making a living at it is really tough, and brutal on your self esteem and body. I know a really famous top model, and I’m sure she would not want her own daughter following this path. For the very small percentage of young women who do make a living this way, it can be fun and exciting, but very short lived as magazines and media are always looking for the next “miss thang”. We are a culture of youth, and we don’t necessarily recognize inner beauty as a society.
That being said, you don’t have to be a “model” to be beautiful and fierce like Tyra. You can take care of yourself physically (exercise, eat right, be stylish, look good) but also take care of your mind and soul. Study hard, volunteer your time to charities, read great books, give back, mentor, stand up straight, and walk tall. If you are a nerd, embrace it. Own it. Be proud of being smart – your brains will take you a lot farther than your looks.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Hi NerdyPrettyGirl,
Ok, so, you know who else is fierce besides Tyra? Cleopatra. She’s one of the sexiest women in history, right? I mean, she was played by Elizabeth Taylor. Martha Washington was not played by Elizabeth Taylor (but ohh man I would watch that movie: she could swish around breaking plates and getting into catfights with Abigail Adams.)
Anyway, here’s a secret about Cleopatra: she was kind of a dog. (Sources refer to her as “Rooster-eyed”, also “stern, heavy and forbidding…[with an] unsightly neck goiter”.) Ewwww. So how did she get her reputation? By being fierce. The fierceness has to come first. If you really want to be on ANTM, try buying Tyra Banks an expensive carpet, then have it delivered to her house with you rolled up inside it. (That’s how Cleopatra met Julius Caesar) It makes a hell of a first impression.
PS: Do not actually do that.
Katie
Hi. I am a waiter at a popular restaurant after school. I've been with my girlfriend, Mary, for two years. I realized recently that it's not her I love anymore, it's her brother, Abe. Am I normal? I don't want to tear her unified family apart, but I want to be honest. HELP!!! ~~Jim
Advice from Melissa
Dear Jim:
You are being honest with yourself, and that’s great. If you are in love with Mary’s brother (or having sexual feelings for him) you are most likely a gay man. That’s ok, and there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s the way you are programmed. I don’t know where you are from, or your family background — in other words, I’m not sure to advise you to “come out” and share this information with everyone without more detail about your family background. What I will tell you is that knowing who you are is important, and not feeling shame is also important. I’m going to recommend some great organizations you can reach out to, that are specifically trained to help you understand your feelings better so you can decide what’s best. Go to Sex Etc. and click on GLBTQ. Also, go to Advocates for Youth, click on Topics and Issues and scroll down until you find GLBTQ Youth. They have some wonderful online support groups to help gay and questioning youth as well.
In the meantime, you can always talk with your school counselor (it’s confidential) or a trusted adult friend. Good luck and hang in there.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Jim,
Aw, Jim. I saw this on an episode of Degrassi once (Episode 304, “Pride: Part One”) but oh man, you’ve got not one, but THREE bombs to drop on Mary One: “I am in love with someone else.” Two: “That person is the same gender as me.” Three: “It’s your brother.”
Obviously, you can’t drop ALL those bombs on her at once! The first thing you have to do is break up with her. Secede from your union and do it now.
Now, if you and your girlfriend have a really close relationship, you can come out to her. She won’t be happy about it, but hopefully she’ll be mature and support you. Make sure she knows you didn’t know until recently, and keep her ego in tact: a little “I knew if I couldn’t be with you then I could never be with any woman” wouldn’t hurt here.
Unfortunately, you can’t go straight from here (no pun intended) to her brother: you might need to leave Abe alone for a while for Mary’s sake. Wait until Mary moves on, and try to be considerate. Either way, it’ll still be weird, no matter what.
Also, be warned that blood is thicker than water and you might not have a chance with Abe simply because he’s protective of his sister. Try not to take it personally; it’s not your fault. Also, do you even know if Abe is gay too? I read in a book that Abraham Lincoln was gay, but that’s hardly a qualifier. Anyway, I hope this all works out for you and that you, Abe, and Mary can work things out without assassinating each other. If not, maybe you’ll meet a nice boy at the restaurant!
All love, Katie
Hi. I am 13 and my boyfriend's birthday is coming up in less than two weeks and I don't know what to get him!! He is having a party at his house then we are going to the movies. All his friends are going to be there and I want to get him something special but not to expensive (under $50). I also don't want to be embarrassed. HELP!!! ~~Help!!!
Advice from Melissa
Dear HELP:
You could make him his very own mixed tape (or CD) of cool music and you can also get him a gift certificate for iTunes. Alternatively, get him passes for two at the local movies or passes for two at a sporting event (or whatever types of activities he likes to do). That way, the two of you can go together!
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Hi Help,
Hmm. Well, since I don’t know who your boyfriend is or what he likes, I’m going to just give you some general guidelines: Don’t give him anything mushy in front of his friends. They will make fun of you because they are 13 and that is their job. If you have something sweet, give it to him alone. For this party just pretend he’s a guy friend, give him something cool but semi-normal, because any “Awww, sweetie, you’re so thoughtful! Lets kiss with tongues!” moments are not going to happen in front of his friends, trust me. For the party, go with a DVD of his favorite movie or his favorite CD. Leave the chocolate covered teddy bears for later.
~~Katie
Well this guy liked me before but I didn't like him because I was shallow and liked another guy. Well the guy that liked me got a haircut and I gained a crush, but it seems that once I grew a crush on him, he moved on. Every time I tried to flirt with him, he would flirt with my friends in front of me. I asked his good guy friend if my crush liked anyone and my crush's friend must have figured out I liked his friend because he said that my crush said I was too good for him. Then later on, I teasingly asked my crush if he liked one of my friends and he forwardly answered yes.
I was going to move on, but the next week was weird. My crush's crush had a boyfriend so she was kicked out of the picture. Then at science fair, whenever we clashed into each other or he came and purposely bumped into me, he would make fun of me. Then in after school tutoring, when he was making up a quiz, he said he couldn't concentrate because I was distracting him. Does he still like me? And if he does, how should I ask him out? ~~Confusedalotgirl
Advice from Melissa
Dear Confusedalotgirl:
OK, I’m confused too. Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You blew off a guy until he got a great haircut and now he’s cute to you, so you like him again. In the meantime, he moved on to other girls who liked him. Now, you guys are playing a bit of a cat and mouse game, and you’re not sure if he likes you and how to ask him out? There’s only one way to find out and get your answer. Talk to him directly or go online and start a conversation with him when no one else is around. Don’t go through friends, or friends of friends, or note passing. Go straight to the horse’s mouth. Tell him you think he’s cute, and that you might have been kind of a jerk in the past, but would really like to get to know him better and hang out more. Be honest.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Confusedalotgirl,
I got your letter.
I read it once.
Then I read it again.
Then I had to make a flowchart. But now I think I follow you. You want to know:
- Does he still like you? This great-haired boy who’s heart you crushed?
- How should you ask him out?
First of all, I think you should reconsider your crush. You are in love with a haircut. That is a bad sign. A haircut feels no love, C-A-L-G. Hair grows, and then he’s that same guy you rejected.
Secondly, does he still like you? I think he does. I think he’s trying to make you jealous. What a jerk.
How should you ask him out? Literally ask him “out” to do something. Don’t ask him “out” to be your boyfriend… do something that involves a common interest you guys have, the movies, etc. Then when you get him there you can snog his haircut till the cows come home. YOU WONT EVEN HAVE TO FLOSS AFTERWARD.
~~Katie
Hi, I'm 13 and am in the 7th grade and for awhile I've had a crush on my older cousins friend Connor. My cousin and Connor are in 9th grade. Connor is pretty cute and really quiet. I went to my cousins wrestling match and he was there. When it was his turn, he lost and was pretty mad (anyway he looks cuter when he's angry) he took his head gear off and I looked at him while he was walking by and he pulled off the straps of his suit-thingy off his shoulders which showed his abs (well somewhat of his abs). I'm not sure but he kinda looked at me. Anyway, I was wondering if not only he liked me, but if it is possible for a 7th grader to go out with a 9th grader or is it to weird? ~~Amber-Rae
Advice from Melissa
Dear Amber-Rae:
Yes, it always possible for a 7th grader to go out with a 9th grader. I’m not sure if Connor likes you or not, I’d have to know more, and see the two of you interact more in person. So can’t really help you there without more details, but I’ve known 7th and 9th graders who hang out and like each other. So be positive!
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Amber-rae! Don’t you realize that the helmet-removal-ab-suit striptease brooding-stare is a high school wrestling mating ritual? GO FOR IT. The world is your sweaty, spandex-covered oyster.
The age difference is only a problem if you make it one; I’m sure you’re very mature.
Also, have you ever considered writing romance novels?
~~Katie
I'm confused. I asked a girl out and I had my friend do it for me; she said she would think about it. Does this mean no, does it mean yes? Do I say anything, do I talk to her, do I make eye contact, I need to know!! Please help me! ~~Ian
Advice from Melissa
Dear Ian:
Hmm. I think it means that she’s not ready to go out with you right now. You should always be nice to someone who gives this response (you never know, and it shows you have confidence). But, I’d move on. In the future, though, asking someone yourself, is always a better option.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
It means no. Sorry Ian.
(PS: Don't have your FRIEND ask her out. Next time ask in a note, LIKE A MAN...just kidding. I know its scary, but do it in person, when you guys are alone).
~~Katie
I'm 16. I have had a crush on this guy for a year, and he seems to flirt with me, but he had a girlfriend when I started liking him last year. This year he has a new girlfriend. I don't know what to do, whether I should try to get him or forget him. ~~aloneinlove
Advice from Melissa
Dear Aloneinlove:
You have a crush on a Casanova-type. Seems like he will always want his cake and eat it, too. I’d move on to someone who is more appreciative and will concentrate on you, and not the girlfriend!
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Dear Aloneinlove:
If he wants to be with you, HE can break up with his girlfriend. But YOU can't break up him and his girlfriend. Forget him for now; if he comes around later, when he's single, you can date him, but keep an eye out cause he's obviously a flirt.
~~Katie
I'm 12, and I like this girl in my class. We are like really good friends. I think she likes me because when I look at her she looks at me back and smiles. I asked her out already, but she said "I just want to be friends" and I lost confidence in myself. But I heard she likes me too. What should I do? ~~Tony
Advice from Melissa
Dear Tony:
I think you have to be patient. There’s nothing wrong with having lots of “friend girls” and for now, it seems like she’s already given you her answer. No need to lose confidence though, just smile and be friendly, but don’t push things. Good luck!
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
Dear Tony:
Hmm, since you already asked her once, I think if she liked you she would have told you then. Wait a little while, stay friends, and when she's ready, she can ask YOU out. Make sure she knows you still like her, but now its up to her to make a move.
~~Katie
Hi! I have this "guy friend" who I'm pretty much in a relationship with. I really like him but he feels like I'm going a little fast. He enjoys being around me when I'm less of a girlfriend because then my jealous side starts to unravel. How do I prevent this from continuing anymore? I don't want to end our relationship, because I really care about him, and I like him a lot! Thank you, Shana
Advice from Melissa
Dear Shana:
IF HE FEELS LIKE "you are going too fast" then, you are going to fast. If he's that special, and you wish to keep a long term relationship with him, slow down, mellow out, and try to (as a former fighter pilot wife) "maintain an even strain." Find a comfort zone in just being friends for now, and maybe something more will develop as you both mature a bit. By the way, jealousy is most often a wasted emotion anyway.
~~Melissa
Advice from Katie
HI Shana,
I think what this boy wants is for you to back off a little. Not that he doesn't like you, but... honestly, you sound a little clingy. He shouldn't be flirting with other girls, but, you know, he is allowed to talk to them. Jealousy is hard to deal with-- just remind yourself that he's with you, and he chose to be with you, not someone else. I mean, don't stick your head in the sand, but don't hack into his Facebook and read all his messages either. (I know you're just "keeping tabs" but it can come off as, well, insane.) Remember, trust is important in relationships.
I know you like him a lot, but make sure you don't smother him or you might scare him away. Be less of a "girlfriend" type and just be yourself. If he wants to slow down, then you need to respect that. (How would you feel if it was the other way around?)
Pay attention though, because "I think we need to slow down" can quickly turn into "I need some space right now", which rapidly becomes, "I think we should just be friends".
Nobody wants to date a barnacle.
~~Katie
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