Pre Teenager

Understanding the pre teenager in your life can be a challenge. Take some time to read a little about this age group and you may come to understand and even (gasp!) enjoy their company a little bit more.

The term “pre-teen” is used to describe those between the ages of 9 and 11, where the world still views them as a child while their eyes are set solely on the seemingly glamorous world of the teenager. On the brink of adolescence, this age range can be a nightmare for both parent and the pre teenager himself/herself, and so it is important to understand the varying emotions, interests, and thoughts he/she is experiencing.

Many of us would not accept a million dollars to go back to our middle school days, and keeping that amount of compassion in mind is the first step in befriending a pre teenager and learning how to handle unavoidable situations or conflict as it arises.

Pre teenagers are characterized as mood-swinging beasts that experience such an increased feeling of independence they are deemed uncontrollable. However many pre teens act out this way due to the preconceived notions placed upon them by the adults in their lives. Giving your pre teenager a little more leash without setting them loose completely can be a fair compromise many in this age group respond positively to. It may be scary as a parent to know how much to let go, but rewarding your pre teen with privileges such as going to the mall or movies with their friends, the chance to babysit their younger siblings can help to strengthen your relationship and their trust in you during these turbulent years.

There are other characteristics that make up the pre teenager. These include a craving for more responsibility, a more realistic approach toward life and their future endeavors, taking interest in the opposite sex, and a larger formation of personal identity such as religious and social beliefs.

Oftentimes the most frightening experience for parents of pre teenagers is deciding how and when to let him/her begin dating. There is, unfortunately, no easy answer to this, and much depends on how you were raised, your family's personal values, and the personality & past track record of your pre teenager. However, there are some guidelines most parents can follow without meeting total disaster.

It is usually acceptable to allow your youngster to attend group events independently. This may include going to the movies, ice-skating, or perhaps watching a sporting event with a group of friends. From this circle of friends pre teens usually find their first romantic interest. Many parents do not allow their children to date exclusively at this age, as it is allowing them to experience too much too soon. Instead, encourage them to “date” this special someone while in a group setting with peers and other couples.

It is also a good idea to invite and welcome the boyfriend/girlfriend into your home. Providing a comfortable yet supervised environment in which your pre teenager and his/her special someone can hang out sends two message – one, you trust them enough to not forbid dating altogether, and two, you take an active interest in their life and relationships and would like to get to know the people important to them. As a pre teenager gets older and starts really dating, it will most likely be habit and family tradition to bring the new interest over to meet the parents. You will be glad you started this routine early!

Many parents believe the pre adolescent years are too early to talk about sex and relationships, however one must remember this is the age they are hearing about it “on the streets”, or rather, in the school hallways. Even if your child attends a private school, chances are they're learning more than you would otherwise like from their classmates. It is best to be direct with your child as soon as they are old enough to maturely process the information, and it just may keep them out of troubling situations in the future.

Many parents notice the years between age 9-11 to be the time period where he/she doesn't find family time to be “cool” or necessary. You can encourage him/her to still spend time with you and the rest of the clan by organizing weekly or even monthly date nights. Some families have had great success in a family game night, especially when the pre teen is able to select what is played. With the dawn of the Nintendo Wii, an extremely interactive video game system, the whole family can be moving and active while having a good time together.

Other families have a favorite restaurant and still others take small weekend trips to various locales of interest to the pre teen. Whatever it is you do, it is important to persist in maintaining the relationship, even when it seems to be a daunting task..

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