Questions About Relationships

Maintaining relationships can be difficult, especially in the teen years. The friends you make today can last a lifetime. Whether you are a parent trying to keep the lines of communication open with a teen, or a teen trying to make new friends, the Teen Team would like to help you.

Instructions

To ask the Team your own questions, visit their new page: Ask the Teens Expert.

Current Questions

Hi my name is Alexus and I am 13. This boy and I were dating for about a year and a couple of months.... we really liked each other (I think he liked me) well back to the basics. I really liked him and a year and a couple of months is a lot of time to think about if you think you want to be in love with somebody. Okay, he broke up with me, but we were still in love, still kissing each other, or whatever you want to call it.

Basically what I am saying is that I really love him. The last time I saw him was July 15, 2007 and its now February 13, 2008. We talk on MySpace off and on (that’s once in a blue moon), and he says stuff that gets me in my feelings. He says stuff that upsets me and he says stuff that makes me cry. I cry almost everyday when I think about him. I cry over him because I miss him a lot. If you haven't figured it out by now, he is really my young love. I can't call it love because if you aren't 21 then it young love. I love him so much and this is how I get payed back- it's like he stepping on my heart. He is basically tearing my heart apart...I need help. Can anybody help me please? ~~Alexus

Advice from Melissa

Dear Alexus:

You are crying way too much for such a young age. This means, this guy, for whatever reason, probably doesn’t know that he’s hurt you, and even worse, may not even care anymore. He doesn’t sound worth your tears. That’s being said. I think you need to NOT communicate with him, and start to put him out of your life. You need to find other people that DON’T make you cry, and hang out with them. Go find some other activities that keep your mind off obsessing over the fool. Have pride in yourself and work on raising your own self-esteem. Your own happiness depends on you first—how you feel about yourself. So now is the time to focus on all the positive things about you.

~~Melissa

PS Love doesn’t have age limits

Advice from Katie

Alexus,

I know this is hard to accept but I think that, in his mind, your relationship is over. You've grown apart and now you barely talk except to say mean things and get your feelings hurt. Stop communicating with him. You need to try and move on: your first love is important but its very rarely your only love. And you can too call it love, if you want to, there's no rulebook—but this love? Its over. That's probably not too comforting. Even if you're still in love with him, he's not treating you well at all and it doesn't look like he's in love with you. You should definitely not make out with him anymore. I know it hurts! I know you feel like your hearts been kicked out and you'll never love anyone else but you will, and you'll run into him at the mall one day and he'll have really bad acne and stupid jeans on and you'll be too embarrassed to tell your friends you ever dated him because he's suuuuuuuuch a loser. Kick him to the curb now, that boy needs to be out of your life.

Love,

Katie

Hi. I'm 13. My boyfriend broke up with me almost a month ago. But the thing is that I don't know what to do because I thought I was over him, because I started liking another guy. But then I stopped liking the other guy and I found out that I'm not over him.

My ex-boyfriend and I talk sometimes, but every time we talk we get into a really big fight or he says some really mean things and I just loose it and start crying or if we are on IM then I would just block him.

I don't know why he broke-up with me but what hurts is that he was going to kiss me that weekend when we were going to go to the movies.

I really loved him. But now I have doubts that he even liked me. And he is the one that asked ME out! We only went out for like 3 or 4 months but those 3 or 4 months made me fell that I really loved him. I’m really confused, so I would really like some advice. Thanks! ~~Abrella

Advice from Melissa

Dear Abrella:

It sucks being the one broken up with...and who knows what lurks in the mind of hormonal teenage boys who say one thing and do another. The fact is, he did break up with you, and now, you have to find the inner strength to move on and not obsess. Look up the words to Gloria Gaynor's "I will survive” and start hanging with your girl friends, and find another distraction right now. Let this guy go, don't call, don't drool, don't make goo goo eyes. Be polite, but nothing more. Go out and do other things with other people and just stay super busy. Over time, you'll get over it and move on to a nicer guy!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Abrella,

It sounds like…you are thirteen. Nobody’s really in it for the long haul, relationship-wise. Everyone is incredibly fickle and they have the attention span of rabbits. And teenage boys! Oh lord. Here are a few reasons your ex may have dumped you:

1. Would rather sit in his basement, eat hot pockets, and play World of Warcraft than interact with females
2. Still secretly believes in cooties and fears girls
3. Would rather sit in his basement, watch Adult Swim and eat pizza than interact with females.
4. A lot of 13 year old boys really aren’t mature enough for dating. (Girls mature faster, remember?) Plus, remember that thing I said about attention spa--
5. Ooo! Shiny Object!
6. Yeah.

Teenagers fall in and out of love in a split second: remember how quickly Romeo went from Rosaline to Juliet? Remember how quickly you developed a crush on another boy, only to go zooming back to your ex? Whooooosh, ain’t adolescence grand?

My advice is to block him…permanently. Maybe not on AIM, though. Block him out of your mind and move on. There’s always going to be some tension between you and your ex. When he picks fights with you, the best way to drive him crazy with rage is to ignore all his insults and be super nice to him in that very detached way that implies that you find him sweet but slightly boring, you hope everything works out nicely for him, but have lots of things to do that are more important, and la la la, have a nice day.

~~Katie

I have a very insecure friend. She misses out on a lot of fun things because she's afraid of looking stupid. She can also get catty to make up for her insecurities. What should I do to help her? ~~Hannah

Advice from Melissa

Hi Hannah:

Encouraging her to try new things with you might be a way to go. Remind her it’s ok to look silly from time to time and that’s part of growing up. Being embarrassed is probably a teens’ worst nightmare, but being embarrassed together can sometimes help not feeling so alone about it. Also, I believe in being tactful but truthful with friends. Therefore, remind your friend that you care about her no matter what, and that she can’t go through her life fearful. Trying new things can open up a lot of exciting doors. If she gets catty, call her on it. She will probably appreciate the honesty. If not…then you have bigger issues in your friendship to address.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Hannah:

You can encourage her to come out of her shell, but you can’t force her (and doing so would only make both of you miserable). If she DOES embarrass herself, try not to bring it up again. Be gentle. But don’t put up with cattiness either, because insecurity is no excuse for being a “Heather.”

~~Katie

Hi, I’m tutoring and also being the dean of three girls ages 13,14, and 15. I don’t know... I need ideas of things I could do with them for us to connect so that they can have fun and also meet new friends. Any ideas? Thank you! ~~Julia

Advice from Melissa

Hi Julia,

You didn’t clarify if you need to connect all girls at the same time or with each individually and that can make a difference in some of the choices you make. More importantly, there can be a big difference, both physically and emotionally from 13 to 15, so not everything appropriate for 15 year olds is appropriate for 13 year olds. That being said, you may want to check out a great organization, Girls, Inc to see if there is one in your area. If not, you can try Boys and Girls Clubs, after school programs, or local theater/museums/community sports organizations.

Also, have you had some one on one time with each of the girls to find out their particular areas of interest…music, dancing, math, sports, whatever? Sometimes, just knowing they have a trusted older friend or teacher to share personal information can open up lines of communication. In terms of doing things together as a group…it just depends. Baking together might be fun (I know that sounds sexist, but it can be bonding). So can bowling, mini golf, or playing cards. I think the important thing is to respect each girl’s personal interest area, don’t push too hard to socialize, but offer suggestions and use community resources.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Julia,

Maybe you could sign them up for extracurricular activities? I'm not sure what they're interested in, but an art class, a sports team, or drama could be interesting? That way they could meet other girls their age.

~~Katie

Hi. I think that my best friend forever doesn't like me anymore. She has a new best friend forever and they like to do things without me and I stay at home with my mom and dad. It makes me sad, but I find it hard to make new friends without her. What do I do? ~~Suzie

Advice from Melissa

Hi Suzie:

Hmm. You know the expression, Three's a Crowd? Sometimes, although unintentional, girlfriends can exclude each other. You didn't say your age, but I'm guessing your somewhere between 11-13 years old? My advice would be to invite both of these friends over to your house, so you are in control of the situation. Then, if you are still feeling weird or left out, try joining some clubs, or getting involved in new activities so that you aren't just depending on one person for your social life. There are usually plenty of activities out there where you can meet other girls with similar interests. If you can't find any on your own, ask a teacher or counselor or perhaps mom and dad. Don't take your friends' actions personally. You are ultimately in charge of your feelings and how you react. Be proactive, and you won't have to worry about it.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Suzie:

Ahh, I’m sorry Suzie. That really sucks. All I can tell you is to try and branch out (is there anything you like to do that your friend doesn’t?) so that you don’t depend on just one person for your social life. Don’t try to be the third wheel because it won’t make you happy. That said, who knows if their new friendship is going to last- and while I’m sure you feel somewhat betrayed, your friend probably doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong or mean- in fact, she probably doesn’t even know how you feel. Maybe if you remind her that you still exist, and tell her- without accusing or guilt tripping- that you feel hurt, you two can work things out. If not, well- onward and upward!

~~Katie

My best friend just started college and I just started working full time. We barely have time to see each other anymore. We used to hang out for 12 hours of the day, everyday and now I barely see her once a week. Any advice on how to remain filled in on each others lives while we both battle busy schedules? ~~Chelsea

Advice from Melissa

Hi Chelsea,

Busy schedules happen, especially as you grow up. Not to worry, you just have to plan and schedule time together. Make the time you do have extra special and really focus on each other when you are together-whether it’s a shopping trip, lunch, or just hanging out. We live in the age of technology, so even though you may not be able to physically see each other as much, texting, emailing and instant messaging make it easier to stay in touch. A little extra effort, and you should be fine.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Chelsea,

You’ll have to schedule your time together in advance, and make the most of what time you have. You wont be able to see each other as much, but you can stay friends. In the meantime, have you heard of this thing called the “Internet”?

~~Katie

I am 17 years old. I have a friend that lives in North Carolina and he wants me to come and live with him when I get out of foster care. He is 16 years older than me and I trust him, but I don't want to leave my mom. I haven't seen her in 5 years and I am confused. ~~Spice

Advice from Melissa

Dear Spice:

I’m concerned that you are 17 and have a friend that is 16 years older, wanting you to come live with him. My first gut instinct is (without knowing more information) that this request is definitely not cool, it’s inappropriate, and you shouldn’t go. You could be putting yourself in danger. When you get out of foster care, there are support services to help you transition, and if you haven’t seen your mom in 5 years, it might be time to get reacquainted with her. My advice is to talk with your social worker, a minister/rabbi, or a counselor to get a really good point of view for your next step. I don’t have enough background to really advise you, other than please don’t go to North Carolina.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Spice:

I would suggest going back to your mom. That guy sounds like bad news bears.

~~Katie

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