Questions About Sex and Dating

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Current Questions

Um, hi. I'm Eliza and I'm 16.There's this guy I've been friends with for a year and half and he asked me out. Thing is, the moment he asked me, all I said was I don't know. Because I really don't know. He's a senior and I'm a junior who has never had a boyfriend. He's a really nice and funny guy but I'm really not sure what to do. I've never been in this situation before. ~~Eliza

Advice from Melissa

Eliza:

He asked you out because he thinks you are cute and nice, and he’d like to get to know you better. If you are nervous because you’ve never had a boyfriend, don’t be. This isn’t a marriage proposal; it’s just a date. And, you can recommend where/when you’d like to meet to keep it in your comfort zone. So my advice, is to say yes, since he’s a nice guy…but say it soon so you’re not playing with his feelings.

~~Melissa

See I like this friend and I told her I liked her. I asked her out and she said yes at first but then she dumped me. I can tell she still likes me. But she really won’t talk to me as much, and were not as good of friends. I think I really do like her. What should I do? ~~Cody

Advice from Melissa

Dear Cody:

Hmm. First, back off for a while and don’t be so eager or desperate. Sometimes, relaxing a bit will take the pressure off the situation and you two can ease back into a friendship. If she dumped you the first time, though, I’d be careful of pursuing her. She could hurt you again. I’d move on to other girls who are interested, and see if she starts chasing you down. Proceed with caution.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Cody,

I think she likes you as a friend but doesn’t know how to handle you as a boyfriend. Focus on rebuilding your friendship before you try and go back out with her— eventually, she might be ready for a boyfriend but right now she apparently isn’t. She’s probably awkward around you because she feels bad for hurting you. Make it clear that you only want to be friends for a while—and then leave it at that. Hopefully she will come around but if you push a relationship right now, you’ll only alienate her.

~~Katie

I have known this one girl since Kindergarten. We have been great friends ever since. I just recently told her how I truly felt. It was a big risk and I knew it but I risked it. I gave her awhile to think things through. When we talked about it she told me that she had never thought about me in that way and that she had always just thought of me as a great friend...like someone to go to. I understand that I should keep things normal and just pretend like nothing happened. I know that I should continue our friendship...but that still doesn't help the fact that every time I see her I feel depressed. I know that right now I just have to be patient and see how things play out...but is there anything else I can do? Is it not a good idea to still hint that I like her? Because I did tell her that I would clear it off the table. ~~Ben

Advice from Melissa

Dear Ben:

That’s a toughie, but not unusual. It happens a lot in life—you’re best friends for the longest time, and then BAM, one person becomes more romantic about the other, confesses feelings, and all of a sudden things get weird. First of all, congratulations for having the courage to be honest and put your feelings out there. It’s brave and cool of you, even if SHE doesn’t feel the same way …for now, at least.

I think you just need some time and space from her. Step back, find other things to do to stay busy and have fun, and try to not hang out where she does. It doesn’t mean you should be a jerk if you see her—that would be immature and ruin any kind of future relationship (friends or whatever). You need to open your mind and heart to the possibility that there is someone out there OTHER than this young lady, who will feel the same way you do. Find some fun activities, and people to hang out with for a while. You sound like a very stand-up guy. It will all work out in the end. Good Luck.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Ben, what you've gotta do is be like Martha Jones in Doctor Who. Martha and the Doctor saved the world together. And she was madly in love with him, but he couldn't think about her that way. So she decides to give up the mad crazy space adventures and leave the Doctor behind and when he asks her why she's leaving, she gives a little speech, which I will quote for you now (This is a British TV show, bear with me here):

"The thing is, it's like my friend Vicky. She lived with this bloke, student house, there were five of them all packed in and this bloke was called Sean, and she loved him. She absolutely adored him, spent all day long talking about him... he never looked at her twice. I mean, he liked her, but that was it, and she wasted years pining after him. Years of her life, 'cause whilst he was round, she never looked at anyone else, and I told her, I always said to her time and time again, I said 'get out'. So this is me getting out."

That's what you've gotta do, Ben: get some space from her (ha ha I made a space pun, ha). If you get depressed when you see her, don't hang out with her, don't IM her, take her off your Facebook feed. It's a very hard thing to do, I know, but it's the only way you'll get over her: cut her out for a little while. And if she asks you why, tell her that you're taking some time to get over her. It'll be the truth.

Who knows, maybe when you go away for a while she'll realize what she's missing.

~~Katie

I'm 17 and I'm just getting a boyfriend lol! I know a little late. I've talked to many boys but none ever made me want to make a serious until my boyfriend. I thinkI aggravate him because I've never been in a relationship so I really suck at taking his feelings into consideration so I always seem selfish but its only because I'm not used to having to making compromises with the opposite sex and I dont know how to talk to him because everytime I do or try to I get tongue twisted and everything comes out wrong and i just end up starting an agruement HELP ME PLEASE! ~~Chloe'

Advice from Melissa

Dear Chloe:

Congratulations on the Boyfriend. And if he’s worth your time, the first thing you ought to do is share with him the note you just sent us (if you can’t verbalize it without twisting everything into knots). Your note clearly explains that you want to be a good girlfriend, but this is all new to you and sometimes, you’re not sure of the best way to say things. Once you show him the note, just calmly say: I need your help to help me be the best I can around you. I think he’ll appreciate your honesty and maybe be a bit more patient as you charter new ground in this relationship. Everyone gets selfish, slips up, says the wrong thing from time to time, so don’t be too hard on yourself!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Chloe:

LOL! Well, this is going to be a little tricky because I don’t know what you’re arguing about. But at least you know where your problems lie: you don’t take his feelings into consideration. So, start doing that. Maybe before you talk to him about this, you could right some things down first so that they come out the way you want (don’t take this out and read it to him though. That’s weird.) You say you come off as a selfish girlfriend—well, do you come off as a selfish person in general? Hopefully not. Just make sure that you remember your boyfriend is not just an object you can trail around to feel pretty with. He’s a person, and you have to take his wants and needs into consideration just like you would with any relationship, even a friendship or a family relationship.

~~Katie

There's his girl that goes to my middle school, and I've known her since I was 2 months old, and we've been best friends ever since then. I want to ask her out though, and I'm afraid that if she says no, or that if she says yes and we break up later, our friendship will be ruined. Help? ~~Bryan

Advice from Melissa

Dear Bryan:

First, being best friends with a girl for that long is great. And it’s also a really good foundation for relationships to grow. That being said, sometimes it’s scary to move beyond the comfort zone. But without risk, you’ll never know what might be. I just gave advice to a young man who had a similar dilemma. I said he could go for it, especially around Christmas, and use the cliché but easy, “mistletoe” excuse to see if there’s sparks beyond friendship. However, you also have to be prepared that she may either not be ready for anything more than friendship or that her feelings are more like sister-brother, than romantic toward you. Either way, having a really dear “friend-girl” is very special and fortunate. And not all guys are as lucky as you. If you can maintain humor, and keep things light, and mature on your part, then everything will work out as it is supposed to. Good luck!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Bryan:

Ack- the best-friend-into-boyfriend transition is always tricky. You wont know if she returns your feelings until you go out on a limb and risk it a little but if you do ask her out and she says no, or you guys end up breaking up, if you're mature and give each other some space for a while, you'll be able to make it back to normal. So I say go for it.

~~Katie

Should I have sex? ~~ keyshia

Advice from Melissa

Hi Keyshia:

The only one who can really answer that question is you. If you are emotionally, physically, and spiritually ready to be in a relationship, where you both know the risks, take appropriate precaution to prevent unintended pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases, then perhaps yes, you may be ready. Consider your values, consider your parents values, consider what is important to you. Consider if this person is pressuring you, and age appropriate (different states have different laws) But usually, you don’t really have to ask “should I” if you are really at a point when you are truly ready.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Keyshia:

As I have said before, "we are all delicate and unique snowflakes and everyone is their own eclectic rainbow of differentness.

There's a right time for everyone, and everyone's different. Make sure the decision is yours and not someone else's, and be safe. Voila.

~~Katie"

I have always had a hard time finding guys, they never seem interested in me..When I get down I feel like the reason why they don't like me is because I'm too ugly, too fat, too stupid, like I'm never good enough and that's why its my fault that guys don't like me. I mean I'm only 15 but still it really hurts to not feel wanted while all of my friends are in loving caring relationships. What can I do help with finding someone? ~~Ashleigh

Advice from Melissa

Dear Ashleigh:

I'm so sorry that you feel sad. I think before anyone else can like you....YOU have to like you. Teens tend to be so self critical--and more often, they just really need some positive reinforcement to feel good about themselves. Focus less on finding the boyfriend; I promise, that will come in time. I know you don't want to hear "be patient," but honestly, it's the truth.

For now, why not concentrate on friends whom you like and are fun to be around, or even better, try volunteering in your local community? There's nothing better than volunteer work to give you some perspective on what is really important in life.

But, if you continue to feel down, talk to a caring adult--mom/dad if you can, but if not, a school counselor, older sibling, or a pastor/rabbi if you attend church or synagogue.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Ashleigh:

Oh no! I'm so sorry you feel this way Ashleigh! First, realize that not having a boyfriend at 15 is A) not the end of the world and B) not ANY indication of your love-future.

Look at the words you use to describe yourself. Would you be friends with someone who said them to you? Probably not. So why would you say those things to yourself? Most teenage girls are hypercritical of themselves and that needs to change. Don't hold yourself to your friend's dating standards. Most importantly, the sexiest thing that ANYONE can have is confidence: so the best thing you can do boy-wise is to be good to yourself and to LIKE yourself. Find something you're good at and work it. If all else fails, ACT like you're confident, stop putting yourself down, and before you know it you'll be beating them off with a stick.

I know it's harder to do than it is to write, but it's really the only way.

~~Katie

I'm not interested in sex and I'm 15. all my friends talk about how far they've gone with their girlfriends and even my girlfriend seems to be frustrated with how slow we're taking it. I don't know what to do. ~~James

Advice from Melissa

Hi James:

Most of the time, guys who brag about their sexual conquests are not being truthful. It’s testosterone, ego, and insecurity talking. Ignore them and laugh that off. In terms of your girlfriend, if she really cares about you, she will appreciate your telling her that you feel more comfortable taking things slowly (whatever the reason you have, it’s your reason and no one should ever pressure you to make decisions you are uncomfortable with). If she can’t understand and respect where you are coming from, time for a new girlfriend!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi James:

Whether or not you have sex is your deal and no one else's. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do- this may suck for your girlfriend, but she’s going to have to accept it. (However, make sure your girlfriend knows that SHE is not the reason you don’t want to have sex.) And all that bragging your friends are doing? They’re probably full of it.

~~Katie

In the past, I've always struggled with finding a boyfriend. Its been hard for me to tell the difference between the ones I like because of the attention they give me, the ones I like because of infatuation, and the ones I really do like. I never just want to take a chance in case I pick the wrong one, but in the end it makes me lose them all. I'm 15 and it's been the same for years and I don't want it to continue for too long. Any help on clearing this all up? ~~Mindy

Advice from Melissa

Hi Mindy:

If you are only 15, don’t pressure yourself into having a boyfriend. It’s ok to like different guys—you are growing and changing everyday, as are the boys you are interested in. So relax. Crushes and infatuation, comes and goes…. Real love seems to last through the honeymoon stage (usually longer than 15 minutes in teen years). Crushes are fun, true love can be..but can also break hearts. You have some time to sort this out, so just relax and be fifteen, instead of rushing through everything so quickly. No need to be this serious so soon.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Mindy:

Do you realize that this problem you have is the same problem that 99% of everyone in the ENTIRE world has? All I can say is just wait for the right person and don’t go hunting for someone just to have someone. I wish I had a better answer for you, but, you know, the course of true love never did run smooth.

~~Katie

Previous Questions

What age can you have sex? ~~Crystal

Advice from Melissa

Crystal,

There is no right or wrong answer to your question. The best response I have for you depends on so many factors--your religious beliefs, your maturity, your preparedness for a physical and emotional relationship, whether or not you've had an honest discussion about safe sex with your partner, and whether or not you can truly, honestly trust your partner.

I can tell you what is the wrong time to have sex--whenever you feel pressured, when you feel in your heart that it's not right for you (for personal, moral, or whatever reason) when you are having sex simply to try to please others, and when you are not fully prepared to take full responsibility for your actions.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Crystal,

Technically, you can have sex at any age. I think what you're asking is "What age SHOULD you have sex?", and, if so, the answer is: we are all delicate and unique snowflakes and everyone is their own eclectic rainbow of differentness.

There's a right time for everyone, and everyone's different. Make sure the decision is yours and not someone else's, and be safe. Voila.

~~Katie

Editor's Note

Another important consideration to sexual relationships is the current laws in your state about sex and minors. Be sure to check the laws where you live to ensure no one is engaging in a criminal act with long term consequences.

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