Teen Dating Help

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Current Questions

Okay, so I've liked this guy for a couple years and we've become really close. You see, at first I thought it was just lust because he is incredibly attractive but then once I decided to get to know him, I've grown to really really like him. I'm pretty much his best girl friend (that is, friend who is a girl). However, I don't know if he feels the same way about me.

Unfortunately, we talk about everything; including each other's love lifes but whenever he asks me about boys, I haven't ever brought up the fact that I like him. I either say that I'm not interested in anyone or I just chose a guy and say that I like him. I'm not sure if he knows that I like him but I have told my friends (we have the same friends) that I like him but they haven't told him. I tend to get jealous when he is interested in other girls or when those girls are interested in him because it brings me to question myself and ask, "why not me?" I honestly don't think that they would know half of what I know about him no matter how hard they try to get to know him (he is shy around people he isn't comfortable with).

I know some of the girls that he has liked and I know that he isn't shallow but don't you ever have those times when you feel like you can't compare to those girls? Like, they are just so much prettier, smarter, nicer, etc. even though it seems like you and the other girl share similar traits?

Anyways, he is graduating this year but planning on staying here for college (as do I) and I have one more year before I graduate but we will stay really close friends after high school. I'm not sure what I should do. I've hinted that I like him but he is pretty oblivious when it comes to situations like these. Just the other day we were talking and he jokingly said, "I don't know why anyone would like me..." and I replied, "What are you talking about? I like you..." but the next day everything seemed normal. I'm not sure if he actually got the hint or he just thought that I was joking.

I've tried to stop liking him and find someone else but it hasn't worked just because you don't choose who you like nor can you force yourself to stop liking someone. I don't know how he feels about me but I doubt that he feels the same way about me as I do for him (but who knows?). I'm afraid that if I tell him or ask him about it then things will become awkward between the two of us and I'll have lost one of my best friends. Of course I want to tell him but I cannot bring myself to do such a thing and I also don't think that I would be able to face the outcome.

Here's another situation to the story: There is this girl who goes to another school but she asked him to her winterball and he said yes but he told me that he isn't yet sure if he likes her. I'm afraid that the two will start dating after this dance and I don't know how I'll react. We haven't hung out with her but throughout the time that we've known each other, he hasn't had a girlfriend because his former moved away. Of course I envy this girl a lot but there's really nothing I can do about it, right? I'm not one of those girls who plan on sabotaging their relationship but I don't want him to date anyone else. I know that sounds horrible, but you get my drift, don't you? I'm perfectly fine when he is just "talking" to those girls but dating is a totally different situation. What do I do? I should probably just respect him and the girl but it just breaks my heart. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this strongly about a guy because I'm young and there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I'm just stuck. ~~Anonymous

Advice from Melissa

Dear Anonymous:

Your guy sounds really nice. He may be going to the Winter Ball with this other girl because he's polite, and doesn't like to say no to people. So with that in mind, play it cool and don't make a big deal that he's going with someone else. In terms of what you want, Valentine's Day is coming up. This is a great opportunity to let him know how you feel, but in a way that is non threatening. You can make him a mix tape, you can invite him to go with you somewhere (perhaps in a group) you can get him a funny card, or make him something to eat, just don't do anything overly mushy. And don't do anything in front of a bunch of people. When you are alone with him, tell him you really like him--also say no matter how he feels, you want to always be friends with him (so it will give him an out if he needs) If he doesn't feel the same way, it may be weird for awhile, but at least you will know. You have to be mature either way. Remember, you'll never know unless...as MADONNA used to say...you have to express yourself. Good Luck.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Anonymous,

There are two possibilities:

1. He likes you too and just doesn’t know that you like him.
2. He doesn’t like you that way.

But right now, you’re never going to know until you make some kind of move- a clear cut, definite one. I know that’s scary and hard to do, but if you don’t you’re just going to be stuck in the position that you’re in. You have to take that leap, because it doesn’t look like he’s going to. But if you really don’t think that he likes you back then you need to get some space from him and get over him—because as long as you’re close with him, you’ll continue to feel the way you do. So: pursue an interest you have that he doesn’t share, and meet people outside his circle.

~~Katie

Hi! I was wondering if you could help me out here. I think I have a commitment disorder or something. Usually when I get really close to a person, everything's cool, I feel like the world isn't on my shoulders anymore and that everything's going to be okay. THEN I feel all suffocated and very harshly push them away until I feel like I can breathe again. And this is going to sound REALLY REALLY bad, along with that, it often happens with guys...guys who I don't like but I know like me or think like me, so I try to win them over completely and when I finally get them...bam! All those butterfly feelings? All those cupids and hearts? Gone. And in comes the suffocated feeling. So I basically then do the only thing I can think of- crush their hearts. There's not really any way to put it.

I don't know why I do it. I just can't stop. I don't really know I'm doing it 'til it happens. Or I do know, but I don't understand myself enough to know whether I really like a guy or just playing him so I try to see which it is. Most of the time I really do believe I'm in love. But in the end, I know the truth. I know this is wrong, but what's wrong with me? I'm a nice person (not meaning to be a big head that is), I make straight As', I'm involved, I have lots of friends, I live in a good home, heck I'm not even that ugly, if getting hit on by high school guys and older men are any indication. So..if I have all this, why do I do that to guys? Or anyone for that matter? I don't do it to all of them, but enough to be aware that I do it. And the fact that I do this, makes me aware of something else. Like I said I have a lot of things to be grateful for and don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for them. But something feels..missing. It's like when you pass by this beautiful picture every day but you never really look at it, though you know it's there. And there's something important in that picture but you don't know that. So every day you pass by it, always having that feeling that there's something ur suppose to be looking at but just can't put your finger on it. Is that normal? Is that part of teen angst? To have so much to be happy about, though unable to be happy? ~~Siren

Advice from Melissa

Dear Siren:

You are absolutely normal and then some. However, you’re not feeling real love, most likely, you’re feeling real lust or a crush. There are people, including adults, who are always looking for greener grass, and they never seem to be really happy. Hence the expression, (you always want what you can't have) With maturity and time, hopefully, your "fear of commitment" will change into appreciating how wonderful it is to be with a caring, loving person. Sheryl Crow has a song with a great line: It's not having what you want--- It's wanting what you've got. Relax, grasshopper. You’ll probably outgrow this phase. But one word of advice, toying with people’s feelings just for your own ego is not nice.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Siren,

Is that really your name? Because if not, it’s a very appropriate pseudonym. The Sirens were creatures in Greek Mythology who lured seafaring men to their deaths with their songs (and their sexiness). But seriously, WELCOME TO MY LIFE. Sometimes I feel like the most unattractive quality a guy can have is being attracted to me. For a while I thought that I had “commitment problems” too. But here’s what’s really going on: you like a guy, he likes you, you flirt and you get closer and then, as you get closer, you realize that he’s not the right guy for you. It probably wasn’t apparent when you met—you only realized it because you guys became closer and you found out more about him.

The thrill of the chase can be a big draw, but that suffocated feeling comes with knowing you made the wrong choice. Its good that you can actually be honest with them and get out of a bad relationship before things go too far.

You’re not doing it intentionally. Its not your fault. And one day, you’ll get to know someone better and realize that he is the right one for you. And you won’t have to run away anymore.

~~Katie