Your First Kiss

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Reader Question

Ok, I just turned 18 in December and I'm a freshman in college. Even though I am 18, I've never had my first kiss and I've never had a real boyfriend. All my other friends have boyfriends and had their first kisses when they were in grade school. I just want to know if there is something wrong with me and is it normal for me not to have had a my first kiss. I just feel so out of place. If you could just give me some advice- thank you. ~~Arielle

Advice from Melissa

Dear Arielle:

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you! Everyone matures, physically and emotionally at different rates. Also, some people, depending on where they go to school, and what kind of rules parents have about going out, have limited access to dating, and/or want to focus on other activities besides a relationship. Relax. Here’s an analysis for you--- Everyone goes through potty training as a toddler, but no one really asks you, especially as you are walking down the aisle at your wedding, when you were potty trained, right? Same with first kisses, boyfriends, and girlfriends. There’s no right or wrong time. It happens for each individual when it is supposed to happen. Now that you are in college, if you want to make yourself more accessible to boys, join clubs, social organizations, study groups, and smile a lot and be yourself. You’ll be just fine.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Arielle:

There’s nothing wrong with you and its totally normal for you to not to have your first kiss yet. Think about it this way: when you do have your first kiss it’ll be with someone you really like and care about, and everyone else will be like, “Oh, my first kiss was with this kid Milton in 7th grade. We played spin the bottle and he was allergic to my lip-gloss and he threw up all over the birthday cake and broke his retainer. Then he dumped me.” Consider yourself lucky, Arielle, your time will come.

~~Katie

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Hi, my name is Arisa. I like this guy at school and I’m pretty sure he likes me back, but he just broke up with another girl 2 weeks ago so I’m not sure. Also, I’m American and all my friends are teasing me because he's Korean and I don’t know what to do. ~~Arisa

Advice from Melissa

Dear Arisa:

Your friends are going to tease you no matter what. If you show it upsets you, it will only make it worse. So do your best to ignore them. And at the end of the day, you are the better person. (by the way, what is “American” anyway? We all came from different places, and are mixes of many lovely ethnicities and cultures!) In terms of what to do about this boy, if he just broke up with a girl, don’t push too hard. Be friendly, smile, say hello, make eye contact, but give him a bit of space. Then, start by asking him some basic school related questions, and then maybe invite him to a group activity to see how he reacts. Get his screen name, and start talking online. You’ll get a sense really soon if he’s interested in you. Then, it will all happen as it is supposed to.

~~Melissa

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Okay so I have a friend who is ONLY 14 and she has a boyfriend who is ONLY 15. He wants to have sex with her or he will break up with her. I told her that "that’s wrong and he is no good for her," but she says that she loves him and she never wants to lose him that he means so much to her. She never had a boyfriend before; this is her first real boyfriend and she’s very close to him. It’s hard to tell her not to have sex with him. She even told me that she doesn’t think she’s ready, but she doesn’t want to lose him. I need help/advice to make her see that it's wrong. She’s my best friend I really don't want to see her get hurt or end up with a baby. That would be super bad! Please help me. I really don't think she should go through with it. ~~Vikki

PS: She won't listen to me when I tell her to go to someone and talk.

Advice from Melissa

Vikki,

You are a very good person to try to help your friend. Your gut instincts are right. Having sex with this boy (when it’s not really her decision, and she doesn’t feel emotionally/physically ready) is not a good way to go. First, by having sex with someone who is threatening a break up, she is showing her vulnerability to a creep who doesn’t respect her enough to wait. He’s dictating terms to her and that’s never a good place to be. Second, she’s likely to get emotionally hurt when the relationship doesn’t work out (it won’t, trust me) and she’s putting herself at risk for unintended pregnancy and Sexually transmitted disease. And finally, she’s compromising her own morals. Since she won’t talk to someone else about this dilemma, and she seems determined to go through with it, you can try playing the “If you had a sister, who came to you with this problem, what advice would you give HER game…and see how she responds…” That may or may not give her pause for thought. You can try to encourage her to at least be responsible and safe—meaning, she should talk to a health care professional about birth control and protecting herself. There are usually free clinics that can provide confidential info. At minimal, if she thinks she is mature enough to be sexually active, she must take precautions. Remember, you can lead a horse to water…but you can’t make the horse drink. Show her this advice column. Give her a hug, tell her you care about her, and be there for her either way.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Oh Vikki, that's rough.

First of all, let me say that, no matter what, it's her choice and not yours and you have to respect that-- even if she makes the wrong choice. If she goes through with it, though, try not to get judgemental on her ("that's wrong!"). I know, it's wrong that he's pressuring her. It's sad that she lacks the self-respect to stand up for herself, that she's placing his desires before her own morals. Remember that and reassure her that she's wonderful and doesn't need him. And make sure that they have safe sex. She's going to need your support, no matter what happens.

Did you ever ask her if she thinks that he loves her? Because if he really loves her, he can wait. I dont know. Hearing that might make her angry but you and I both know that if he really cared about her, he wouldn't threaten to leave her. He wouldn't want sex as much as he'd want her to be happy. She's being used.

What a worthless, sorry little scumbag. I'd come up with a lot more colorful, all caps explitives to describe him if this website wasn't regularly read by middle schoolers. Insert the worst swear words you know here: that's him. It's terrible what he's doing to your friend. He's pathetic and I hope that his next girlfriend gives him herpes.

All my love, Katie

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Hi. I have a boyfriend and I don't like him at all. I don’t even know why I said yes when he asked me out, but he gets really angry easily and I guess I didn't want to let him down. I've already kissed him and we've done other things, but I don't know how to tell him I only like him as a friend. Please help. ~~Pamela

Advice from Melissa

Dear Pamela:

I'm concerned that this boy gets really angry so easily. Please don't continue your relationship with this guy. I sense some warning signs. It even sounds like he may be pressuring you into doing things you are not ready to do. Get out of this relationship in a hurry. And if you need another person around you when you break it off just to feel more secure, do so. You can say something like: Johnny, I'm not ready to have a boyfriend yet, I made a mistake in saying yes to you. I just want to be friends and nothing more. (if that doesn't work, blame it on your parents not letting you date..it's always a good fall back) If he freaks out, make sure you are near and /or seek adult support immediately.

Life is short, and I would only want to be around people who were nice, and treated me with respect. You are deserving of kindness. Good luck.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Pamela,

BREAK UP WITH HIM RIGHT NOW.

Try and be classy about it, don't do it in a note or online (unless he asked you out online, then that's fair game). Just say you think you're in a bad place and can't handle a relationship right now. Try and avoid the phrase "just friends". It twists like a knife in the squished hearts of young men.

~~Katie

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There was this boy who liked me for almost a year before I started liking him. We went out for a week and I decided I didn't want to because there was a lot of "talk" going on at our school (we go to a VERY small school and even the teachers knew). After about a month I ended up telling him I liked him again and he still felt the same way. We went out for three months and I just didn't want a boyfriend anymore. I hurt him really bad. Its been almost a year and I really want him back. I have gone out with other guys between and its just not the same. I miss him so much. I still catch him staring at me so I'm almost positive he still likes me. The problem is that no one wants us to go out. My mom and dad said that it's probably best that this happened because he isn't the type of person they could see me with and my friends really dislike him. He is the show-offy type and I am a very good student that is a "mom" to all the guys (meaning I expect good behavior. I can't stand when people are immature and try to get into trouble). His sister hates me and they are really close. Should I just let it go? Or what do I do because I think I love him. ~~Jennie

Advice from Melissa

Dear Jennie:

It sounds complicated and for some reason, without knowing them, I kind of trust your parents instincts here. You've already indicated that he's a show offy type (not good) and if his sister doesn't like you and your parents would rather you not pursue him, it's brewing into a hornet’s nest—too much drama. Let it go for now. Just be friends. After more significant time has passed, perhaps you can revisit whether or not you should get back together, but for now, just be nice, but keep your distance.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Jennie:

If you're sure you like him, go out with him again.

~~Katie

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I’m 14 and there’s this guy that I’ve dated on and off for four years and he asked me out again, what should I do? ~~Brittany

Advice from Melissa

Hi Brittany:

You've dated a guy on and off for FOUR years and your only 14? Wow. Ok, my best advice---If you like him still, and he treats you well, then go out with him again. If he's a jerk, or ever been a jerk to you and doesn't respect you, then say no.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Brittany:

Go out with him? If you want to. I mean, you guys have history but how ~serious~ could you guys have been at 10? That's sweet though.. Remember what it was like dating him—the good AND the bad. Just—remember why it was that you broke up. Whatever it was—has it changed? Be honest with yourself. If you can stay close with your ex, that's great, but you may not be meant to be a couple.

~~Katie

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Hey, I'm a 14-year-old guy with this really good friend, who happens to be a girl. Anyway, she is really really nice and is absolutely gorgeous. She flirts with me a ton, but told me she didn't like me. Everyone says she likes me- I'm confused! Thanks. ~~Joe

Advice from Melissa

Dear Joe:

If she says she doesn't "like you" she probably means she doesn't "like you that way." Don't obsess over her and enjoy the flirtation, but I'd move on. If she does like you that way, the thought of you with someone else will make her insane, and you'll soon know. So...move on for now.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Joe,

She's probably just flirting—and that's why your friends think she likes you. You have to take her at her word, though: she doesn't. If she flirts with you hardcore and doesn't mean it, then she's messing with you and you don't want that nonsense. Best,

~~Katie

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Hi, I am Melissa. I am 13 and I have a girlfriend. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but my mum keeps telling me to get a boyfriend. I really don’t know if I should tell her I am bi and have a girlfriend or not because she hates gays sooo much help me please. ~~i dunno hows name needs to go here

Advice from Melissa

Hi Melissa:

Thank you for writing and sharing. It's challenging to come out to your parents when they have strong feelings against being gay. But you are who you are, be confident and proud, and eventually, they will either have to accept that, or lose the relationship with you. For now, however, since you are still very young and living at home, I'm going to give you some good resources/links that may help you. In addition, you may have counselors through your school (looks like you're in England) that you can talk to and advise the best way to address with your mom...or not (for now). In the meantime, I'd check out this site: Sex Etc.

You can also call 1-800-246-PRIDE ( a special hotline for gay teens)

And you may want to see if you can get a copy of this book:

Mom, Dad, I'm Gay

Best of luck!

Advice from Katie

Your name goes here,

Just tell your mom you don't want a boyfriend. I don't think you have to tell her about your girlfriend just yet. I'm so sorry that she's prejudiced. One thing you may want to do is go online and check out resources to help you think this through. At some point, you may want to tell your mom, but not until you’re older and the need is more urgent. You may be in an experimental phase so just wait.

~~Katie

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Hey. I don't know what to say to my ex-boyfriend. He was my first kiss and then he broke up with me 11 days later. I was so hurt. I have never thought a guy would ever hurt me as bad as he did. We got into a big fight and now we're friends. Should I let it go? ~~Hayley

Advice from Melissa

Hi Hayley:

If you are friends now, just let it go. You never know if things will change in the future and you may even get back together. However, if you nit pick over something trivial, it will just make you look bad.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hayley my dear, I'm sorry to break it to you but, sometimes relationships end badly and someone gets hurt. And it sucks. And I'm sorry that you got hurt-- but look at you now! You lived through it. And now you can move on—it’s healthy. So yes, you should stay friends with him, and let it go. There will be more boys that you're so crazy about you can't imagine being with anyone else ever, there will be more first kisses and-- reality check, here-- there will be more soul-crushing breakups. They SUCK. Sometimes you're the dumper, sometimes you're the dump-ee. Neither one is very much fun, either way, you mope for a while. And then you get over it and find your next dreamboat boy that you can't live without & will love forever.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

Keeping grudges is never a good idea, and if you can manage to stay friends with your ex (just make sure you're over him first) then that's admirable and awesome.

~~Katie

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Hi, I'm 11 and I am in my first year of high school. In primary school, I went out with most of the boys in my year. But they all seemed to dump me for silly reasons, now they hate me! I hoped in high school that it would get better, but all those boys I dated just 'warn' all their friends at high school that I'm unpopular or goofy. Now, I did get one boyfriend not long ago who's in the year above. I thought he really liked me, and ye, we snogged at a disco and went to the cinema together. But he dumped me because I'm 'OTT' as he puts it. It's like any boy that I kiss or hug, dumps me. Sometimes I feel like I carry some contagious disease! Help please. xx ~~Cath

Advice from Melissa

Hi Cath:

Being 11 and in your first year of high school? Wow. Maybe you are in a different school system than I’m aware of because in the USA, 11 is really young for high school! And OTT? Slang I’m guessing? (not sure what that means, Over the Top maybe?) First, get your confidence back— you don’t carry a contagious disease. But, I’m not sure what is going on with all the gossipy boys, so to give you some breathing space and perspective, I’d take a break from guys, period. Remember, sometimes flirtation can be misinterpreted. You might need to scale back and go solo. Find some other interests (either outside of school or on weekends—volunteer work, hobbies, girl buddies, whatever) and eventually, gossipy levels should wane, and boys move on to their next “who can we pick on and talk about now.” Then, after a school break or holiday—come back with confidence, smile, and stand up straight. Just be extra cautious about how you carry yourself for a while and after some time, it should all work out.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Cath,

Maybe the reason boys break up with you is that they fear they are getting in the way of what appears to be your mad (ambitious, but mad) plot to date every boy at your high school. Maybe the reason your ex-boyfriends hate you is that you date all their friends. Since you are an 11-year-old freshman, you’re obviously very precocious and you probably want to prove yourself to the older kids. This is the wrong way to go about it. All you’re doing is giving yourself a reputation as a serial dater.

Also, as they say on “Flight of the Conchords”, a kiss is not a contract: it doesn’t mean you’re going out! All those times you got “dumped” might just be a miscommunication: while you thought a disco-snog constitutes a relationship, he probably just thought it was a disco-snog. If you want him to be your boyfriend, you’d be smart to clarify beforehand.

On the other hand…you know, you don’t have to date every boy that you kiss. I can’t believe I just advised that to an 11 year old. I’m not advising you to go out and suck face with random strangers like its going out of style. I’m just saying…um, don’t feel obliged to get involved with someone romantically if you’re only interested in them for the disco-snog.

Or you could just stop it with the boys for a little while, or if that’s impossible, at least slow down. You might be overdoing it—think! At this rate, you’ll run out of boys to date by the time you’re a junior. AND THEN WHO WILL YOU GO TO PROM WITH?

Think about that.

Love, Katie

PS: Re: the contagious disease. It might not be a bad idea to get yourself checked out. Maybe the boyfriends know something you don’t. You can never be too careful!

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So I have a boyfriend, and we've kissed for like a second, and I really want to do the whole open mouth make out kiss. But I'm extremely confused on what to do. What goes where? And he's had sex already. I don’t feel pressured at all, but I’m just afraid of making out with him because he knows how to do it and I don’t. Any advice? ~~Jaime

Advice from Melissa

Jaime:

If he's really a great guy and deserving, then let him teach you how to kiss. Usually, it's just based on a follow the lead approach (to start, until you get more experienced anyway). He'll probably be flattered if you say something like...”I really want to kiss you the way you want me to, but I don't know how.” I'm glad he's not pressuring you--sounds like he's a nice boyfriend. Enjoy. But don't eat anything too strong prior to your big moment (like garlic or onions). It will give you more confidence and you'll both probably enjoy this important kiss more!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Jaime,

Ah, well, generally your tongue goes in his mouth or vice versa. It’s an intimidating concept, and a squishy one.

Here’s what not to do:

1. Open your mouth so wide you look like the JAWS poster.
2. Jab your tongue in his mouth like a frog trying to catch a fly
3. Make this noise: “Aaaaaggggggggglagagagagagag” (Resist the urge).

~~Katie

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Hi I am 13 boy and I have a friend called Stephanie who is same age as me. I really want to ask her out but I’m too embarrassed about what she might say. One day she said kiss me so I did and she smiled. I don’t know if that’s a sign to say she wants to go out with me please help. ~~Conner

Advice from Melissa

Um Conner, if she asked you to kiss her, that's a really good sign. Now you can officially ask her out because she's obviously interested. Especially if she smiled after you kissed her. Way to go!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hello again, Conner:

Obviously, she likes you at least a little bit or she wouldn’t have wanted to kiss you! That’s a pretty good sign that she wants to date you…unless she’s just in it for the hookup. Either way, if you’re too nervous to ask her to make it official, you guys can just “date” unofficially (go to movies, etc) without having to “ask each other out”. If things go well, soon enough you guys will be comfortable enough to have that conversation.

~~Katie

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Hiya. I am 13 years old and am going out with this guy who is ten months older than me. But we're in the same grade and everything. We REALLY love each other to bits. He has told me how much he loves me an infinite number of times. I have also told him. We have been going along for about almost three months now. The thing is, I REALLY want to kiss him. I wanna kiss him BAD. I NEED HELP. How do I know if he is up for it? Is he ready? Plus, we have already held hands, cuddled and he has pecked me on the cheek. All I want is a peck on the lips. Will it happen? HELP!!!! Any advice?? ~~Britney

Advice from Melissa

Hi Britney:

Sounds like you are ready for a kiss and that he’d most likely be open to it. You don’t need to wait for him, thought. I think it’s fine, since you’ve been going with him for a while, and you have a trusting relationship, for you to make the first move. But remember-- you have to be respectful if he’s not ready and hesitates (although I don’t think this is the case by what you shared).

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Britney,

Yeah, I would say it’s a pretty safe bet that YOUR BOYFRIEND wants to kiss you. It’s kind of his job. And it will happen if you MAKE it happen—If you go in for the big kiss and he runs away though, he’s not ready, and you’ll have to deal with that, but I seriously doubt that will happen. If he’s cuddling you and pecking you on the cheek it certainly sounds like he’s making overtures to a bonafide mouth-kiss. What are you waiting for? KISS HIM, YOU FOOL. DO IT DO IT DO IT NOW.

Regards, Katie

PS: If you’re not sure how, some tried but true 13 year old techniques are: rigging a game of spin the bottle, rigging a game of Truth or Dare (get a friend to dare you to kiss him) and, you know, stealthily turning your head when he pecks you on the cheek so you can kiss him on the lips instead. Good luck!

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Hey, im 15 and my girlfriend is asking me about sex and im not sure i should do "it." ~~Johnny Diaz

Advice from Melissa

Dear Johnny:

If you are not sure, then wait until you are (sure). Fifteen is still really young and there's lots of time for you both. Know that it's absolutely normal and healthy to have sexual feelings when you are attracted /dating another person. It's ok to talk about it with each other. In fact, if you are ready to have sex, then you absolutely should be discuss it with your partner. It's important to be safe, protect yourself and your partner from disease and unintended pregnancy, and consider both of your personal feelings and morals as you move forward. There are some excellent websites you may want to look at to help you along the way--Sex Etc. and Pause. Stay safe and be true to yourself.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Johnny,

If you’re not sure, wait till you are. Having sex is a personal decision that you have to make for yourself— your girlfriend can’t make it for you and your friendly neighborhood advice columnist certainly can’t make it for you. No one can—and anyone who tells you otherwise is full of it.

~~Katie

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Hi. I am 13. My boyfriend told me he wants to kiss me and I want to kiss him back. BUT the problem is that I have never kissed a guy before and I don't think he has ever kissed a girl before. I don't know what to do?!?!?!? Also lots of girls have kissed their boyfriends in my grade and there is a lot of pressure to kiss him, but we have been going out lots longer than most of the couples in my grade, so it feels that I should have already kissed him. I am ready to kiss him, BUT I don't know if I am a good kisser. Any advice for me???? ~~SOPHIE

Advice from Melissa

Dear Sophie:

If you both haven’t kissed someone before, then no worries. Keep your sense of humor, and relax-just like everything else worth experiencing, over time, and practice, all will be wonderful. The fact you two are going to share this first together makes it all that more special. Pay no attention to how experienced your friends claim they are , most teens exaggerate about these things anyway. Don’t be pressured by comparsons And in terms of advice…brushing your teeth and not eating garlic/onions might be a good start!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

1. Lipgloss may look foxy but when it comes to actual kissing, its sticky and gross, even if it’s “fruity lipgloss”. The boy will feel like he is making out with a gluestick. Also, when I was in seventh grade, I played spin the bottle at a birthday party, and the boy I liked had an allergic reaction to my lipgloss and threw up: lame. So, don’t wear lipgloss.
2. Also, brush your teeth.
3. Go light on the tounge. In fact, if you’re not sure what to do with it, I’d say leave it (using your tongue) out for now. It will come naturally, later.

Don’t kiss him until you want to— you don’t have to just because you’ve been going out. But when you do, don’t worry if its kind of slobbery and sucky. It will get better.

~~Katie

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Hi, I'm 12 years old. I like this one girl in my class. She is so beautiful. I already asked her out. but she said that she didn't know. Now next? ~~Tony

Advice from Melissa

Dear Tony:

I think your last statement says it all for now. NEXT. Just be nice to all the girls in your class, not just the popular ones. Don't obsess over this one girl, and move on. Always good to keep your options open!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Tony,

Well, if she doesn’t know it probably means that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. Now next, you’ll have to find someone new, or be friends with her and patiently add strands of her hair to your little shrine of her until the voodoo works and she goes out with you.

~~Katie

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Yea, I'm 13 and I've had a boyfriend but I broke up with him and didn't see him for like three monthes. Then he wanted to go out with me soooooo badly again but I kept saying no, and now I kind of like him again. My best friend keeps saying I'm just gonna want to break up with him again and then things will be awkward. My dad doesn't understand that I should be able to date and he can trust me. I've been his little girl since I was 3 and he won't let me date, let alone talk to a guy he hasn't met. I'm sooooo confused help me please. ~~Missy

Advice from Melissa

Dear Missy:

Do you miss this guy in particular, or just the idea of having a boyfriend? If you broke up with him to start with, chances are, he wasn’t right for you for some reason and you should listen to your first instinct. You can be nice to this guy, and be friends. Wait a while, at least a couple of months, and see if he’s really someone you want to date again. Just remember, it’s not nice to play with other people’s emotions to satisfy your own ego, so tread carefully.

In terms of your dad, you ARE only 13. And you are and will always be his little girl. I know you don’t want to hear that, but respect his concerns because he loves you and only wants what is best. In the future, if you really like some guy, be open to having your dad meet him and get to know him. You’ll need to establish trust with your dad, and show you can follow the rules he sets for you without whining and complaining. It might be weird for you at first, but it’s part of growing up. Once he sees you can make good choices in boys, he will eventually relax and be more open to your dating. Give it some time.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Oh man, Missy. I have BEEN THERE. I had this boyfriend and I didn't even like him that much, and eventually I dumped him. And then after about a week of running around, living the life of a swinging single, I thought, "Hey, where's that guy who told me I was pretty all the time? I miss having a boyfriend." And I decided that I wanted him back--

Oh, biiiig mistake. BIG, HULKING, OPTIMUS PRIME-SIZED mistake. I realized that what I wanted was "a" boyfriend, not him as a boyfriend-- because when we did get back together, all the things that I broke up with him for came rushing back to me and in about 10 seconds I realized I was in over my head and leading on a guy I'd already hurt once. And when I broke up with him again-- well, it wasn't fun. And it wasn't fair to the guy, either.

I agree with your friends. Things will be awkward. Actually, they will be worse than awkward. You'll get his hopes up only to crush them again-- he's a HUMAN, you can't just mess with his emotions like that, it's cruel. So before you decide whether or not to go out with him again, make sure you remember why you broke up with him, and think REALLY REALLY HARD. I say, don't do it unless you're in loooooove with him. But if you're not sure, then it means it's not love.

~~Katie

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Hi. I'm 13 year old girl and I still like my ex, but I don know whether he likes me or not and I'm going to tell him that I like him. But he really likes me, and I'm scared that we'll will break up again because he's a playboy. ~~Bernice

Advice from Melissa

Dear Bernice:

I’ll bet you can figure this one out yourself. You’ve already said this guy’s a playboy. He’s the type who has to feed his ego and keep lots of girls on a string. Don’t give into that. Have some pride, hold your ground. You can be friendly to him, but I’d move on to other boys who aren’t going to toy with your emotions. Otherwise, I think you may get hurt.

Good luck.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Bernice,

I have this theory about exes: unles they do something REALLY horrible to you, there will always be something between you because that whatever it is caused you to go out will still be there-- even if they are the WORST person in the world for you to be dating. Maybe this is what's going on with you: you know your ex is a womanizer, but there still are all those little fragments of liking-ness left over from when he was your boyfriend and you can't get rid of them. And of course, once you break up, you start to forget all the times he annoyed you or didn't call you back and you only remember the good times. Try and be logical here: you are 13, you aren't going to marry this guy. I'd say, put the past behind you and move on.

~~Katie

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I need help. I have a boyfriend but we never talk. He tells my friend he wants to break up with me and then he turns around and says he loves me. Any advice for me?? ~~Manda

Advice from Melissa

Dear Manda,

You “never talk?” That’s not a good sign either way. Go straight to the horses mouth—ask him yourself, and don’t rely on a third party, because if you do, you can easily misinterpret information. Just find your strength and talk to the boyfriend yourself. If he doesn’t give you a straight answer, move on.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Manda:

Are you sure your friend is telling the truth? If you are ABSOLUTLEY sure, then dump that sucka before he dumps you/starts cheating on you/if he isn't already. If he's planning to break up with you, then you should have been the first to know. That is not cool. That's called lying. You don't want to date a two-faced guy.

~~Katie

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I met this boy at the dance. He's in the 7th grade and I'm in the 8th. Would it be wrong to go out with him bacuse we are in different grades? Also, our signs are like really compatible, but they say that we can get a little too sensual around each other. We give each other hugs and hold hands and almost kissed. So mainly would I be wrong to go out with someone in a different grade and if we kiss can this lead to more than I want? ~~Mya

Advice from Melissa

Dear Mya:

It’s fine to go out with someone in a different grade since the age is so close. If you had asked me about being in 8th grade and dating a senior, I’d give different advice. For now, sounds like you like each other, which is great--Just make sure you know your limits and respect each others boundaries in terms of being physical. No one should ever push someone they like into doing something they are not ready for. Good luck!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Mya:

No, it's not wrong to date when the grades are so close together. Technically, the kissing could lead to more than you want, if you let it. As long as you tell him what you want and where your limits are, he needs to respect that. And if he doesn't, he's a skeez.

~~Katie

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I'm a eleven year old boy and I have this girl that I like but I can't ask out. I'm shy and I don't have much money for gifts can you help me? ~~John

Advice from Melissa

Dear John:

It's nice to like a girl, but at eleven, it's just a wee bit young for full on "asking out and dating." Furthermore, you mentioned you don't have much money for gifts--buying affection is not the path to a good relationship. If this girl is worth your time and effort, she will not judge you on your ability to buy gifts. Why don't you just start out getting to know her a bit more. Talking online, chatting, or spending “group time” at after school events? That way, she gets to know you “for you” and not your wallet. And just a final word on morals and values here, it’s never a good idea to think you can “buy” someone’s affection—that’s a false start to what should be a wonderful relationship based on honesty and common interests.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi John:

First of all: AWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Second of all: You don't have to buy her anything. You want a girlfriend, not some golddigging floozy who's only in it for the teddy bears, or whatever. No. You shouldn't buy her anything: it might be overwhelming for her.

Third of all: Just be nice to her. Write notes to her. Make her laugh. Be friends.

Then one day you should totally hold her hand and see where that goes. Good luck there, Casanova.

~~Katie

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I'm a 16 year old guy whos in love with a girl almost a year older then me. Shes one of an extremely rare breed of people, born with both brains ad looks, not to mention talent, and i really dont wanna let her go.well, I dont think I could, even if i wanted to. im pretty close to all her friends, and they claim she knows about my feelings for her. we've been out a few times, had loads of fun, and all that jazz.However, the problem here is that shes extremely shy, and not at all generous with hints and what not. Sure, when we're alone,we cuddle up on the couch, n talk to each other in that soft woozy voice, but maybe she just takes me to be a close friend? I need help only with confessing my feelings to her. For her, i've fought of two older jealous ex-boyfriends, given up alcohol, given up fighting, and forbade myself from even looking at another girl; and Im really not willing to give her up after all that. ~~anonymous

Advice from Melissa

Dear Anonymous:

I'm glad you've given up fighting and alcohol, all good choices regardless of why you made them. Forbidding yourself from not even looking at another girl though? You are 16 and you have a pulse, it's ok to look at other girls you find attractive at 16 and when you are older. It's human nature to do so. I think you are putting this older girl on a big pedestal and potentially setting yourself up for disappointment. Why do you need to change anything right now? Evidently, she knows how you feel, so by pushing the issue, you could be risking what appears as a really close relationship. If you are willing to be patient, then let nature take it's course. However, my concern for you right now is that you are focusing your entire energy on one person and limiting /obsessing over your feelings. Try to take a step back, and maybe expand your social group just a bit.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Anonymous:

Well, it certainly sounds like she likes you. If she allready knows how you feel and hasn't said anything, then she might be shy and waiting for you to make the first move. Or, if she doesn't like you, but is still flirting with you, then she's...well shes not the super nice amazing girl that you thought she was and you should reconsider your crush. But I'm sure that she's just shy.

Maybe the next time you guys are all cuddly wuddly you could man up and kiss her? That might help you figure things out.

~~Katie

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Dear Melissa, I have a friend who says he likes me but doesn't like me. He has this girlfriend and she keeps on saying they kissed over and over again. I'm starting to get real ...ed off! I feel the same way about him. Once we spent 2 days together and he kept on wanting to kiss me, like, lean towards me and pucker up! I did it back but he missed and kissed my nose. What do I do?! ~~Noel

Advice from Melissa

Dear Noel:

Your friend is teasing you and playing with your emotions. That’s not right and you deserve better. Don’t put up with it. Period. You need to take a deep breath. Find your own pride within, and move on. Once you find other more deserving guys who will appreciate you, most likely this other guy you wrote about will start hanging out more. When that happens, politely, but firmly, ignore him.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Dear Noel,

Don't be a fool for that! He has a girlfriend. If he wants to be with you, he has to break up with her. Girls are weird: if our boyfriend cheats on us, we hate the girl (OMG, skank) and miss the boy (Why aren't I good enough?).

Female solidarity, my friend. Being cheated on sucks. Don't do that to your fellow woman. And if he wants to cheat on this girlfriend now, whats he going to do to you later? He sounds like a scumbag.

~~Katie

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I'm a 14 year old boy and me and this girl are going out. I sense a connection with her passing notes and such...but I don't know if she would like to go on a date or something. Cause parents can be a pain you know.I really like her and she likes me but how do we sort this out. I want to know if she wants to take it to a higher level or not possibly please help!

Hi again. I am clueless with this whole date thing. Ive did the first step and asked her out but...where from there? We know each other a lot more. We talk on the phone a lot and we walk home together. Where do we go from there. I think about her all the time am attracted to her.Shes kind and sweet and understanding. I would kill myself if I ruined this perfect relationship. ~~James

Advice from Melissa

Dear James:

First, take a big deep breath. You seem as if you are in a real hurry to make a decision, and you really don’t need to be rushing anything quite yet. Do you? All is well right now. This girl obviously likes hanging around you, or she wouldn’t spend as much time with you. There’s an old saying: if it ain't broke, don’t fix it. My advice is to keep things as they are for the next month or so, because holidays are stressful enough. Unless of course, you want to be fun/flirty and test the waters with some mistletoe at Christmas. Pretty harmless and pretty risk free. It’s a good way to find out if she wants to be more than friends. But if you are anxious, just wait a bit. Then, you can always try group activities to start. There’s safety in numbers. Maybe go to a football game together? A school play? If she gets excited and wants to go, that’s a big clue she’s also looking for a little more than friendship. If not, know that you have a “friend girl” to hang out with and talk to, especially if you keep things on the fun side, even if her feelings aren’t quite the same just yet.

~~Melissa

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Hi. I am 13 and started my periods like years ago. I am really desperate for a boyfriend and to kiss someone, but my friends aren't as mature or ready yet and keep on with the 'girls hate boys' thing and vice versa. I feel like my friends are holding me back. There is this other group of people who I sort of like who have all got boyfriends and I am wondering whether to go with them but I really like my friends and feel awful when I think abut it. There is this guy called Matt who I like and I think likes me but whenever he comes over to talk, my friends just abuse him and if I stick up for him, they wolf-whistle and get so much stick I don't bother. Please help me - if I don't kiss someone, I'm gonna die! ~~eek484

Advice from Melissa

Dear EEK484:

Hmm. First, you're not going to die if you don't kiss someone. (so let's stop being drama queen from the get go!) You don't need to be desperate for anything at 13. You have time for so many wonderful relationships, slow down! There are 9 year old girls with their periods...so getting a menstrual cycle is not necessarily indicative of being emotionally or even physically ready for a relationship-- That being said, teens do mature at different rates, often girls more rapidly than boys, especially around the 12-14 year old age range. So, just accept and understand that some friends may be fun for certain activities, and different friends may be more appropriate for others. Your friends who are abusing Matt are either jealous, or just ragging you because they know it gets you. Either way, it's not particularly nice. Maybe you and Matt can talk online (without any "friends" around, or find places /activities that you don't have get teased) And I'm sure Matt can take care of himself, so in the future, don't let it get to you. In terms of kissing Matt, it's supposed to happen when you BOTH are ready and it comes naturally. No amount of cajoling or pressure to do something is going to make it the special kiss it should be. Relax.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

If your friends are holding you back from doing what makes you happy,maybe you should branch out a little bit and don't let them hold you back. This doesn't mean you guys still can't be friends. Having a group of friends you do EVERYTHING with is great- sometimes. But you can also have different friends for different things- a gossiping-about-boys friend who is at your maturity level, a shopping friend who knows everything about fashion, etc.

You won't die from lack of kissing. But you shouldn’t let your friends dictate what you do and who you date-- for now, just approach him when your friends aren't around. (Hint hint, the next time they tease you guys "Gee Matt, my friends can be such jerks. Lets hangout sometime, just us") Man, I'm good.

~~Katie

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I have a friend who's gotten pretty close to me, and already told me he likes me, so its all up to me if we date or not... Unfortunately, I don't want to, and yet I do. The main big reason I don't want to is because I'm petrified of kissing. It just seems so unnatural and gross, and a necessity of a relationship. Is it really something I can deal with, or will it always seem grotesque to me. I'm 19 now, and haven't kissed even my parents since I was 6, nor do I like anyone kissing me (not lips obviously), so I don't know if I can deal... please help... ~~ Jaimie

Advice from Melissa

Hi Jaimie:

I'm sorry you are having kissing issues. It seems like this one tiny, albeit important issue, is the only thing holding you back from experiencing the wonders and pleasures of romance. Without knowing more about you, on surface level, it seems as if you may have a phobia (fear of) kissing. That may require a little bit of professional help--is there a counselor you can speak with about this? Or a pastor/rabbi? Kissing is, in fact, a very normal way of expressing affection. You definitely want to explore why this is an issue for you with someone who has the credentials to help you. In the meantime, I'd tell your guy friend you really like him, but have a fear of kissing (not related to him specifically) and you want to date...and that you are going to work on/work thru why. If he is truly deserving of you, he will be patient while you work this out. Good luck!

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Jaimie,

Obviously, don't kiss him if you don't want to, no one is making you (and if he tries to make you, taze him or something). I don't know if you'll ever like kissing- but you know, since you say it only seems gross, maybe you just haven't tried it, or met the right person you want to kiss.

But if you never ever think you’ll want to kiss anyone, EVER, you should look at this article : http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn6533.html

Asexuality is a viable sexual orientation, so don't feel like you're not normal (or wrong) for not wanting to kiss, or to have sex (I'm assuming if you're not kissing you're not having sex either).

~~Katie

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Is it ok to ask a girl to kiss you even if you don't go out with her? I'm not sure my friend did, it and the girl was fine with it. ~~Help101

Advice from Melissa

Dear Help101,

It's always OK to ask-- as long as you are polite and respectful. Whether or not she'll agree to kiss you, is totally up to her.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Help 101,

It's fine with me if it is fine with her.

~~Katie

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Ok, so like I'm dating this girl and today was our first date and she gave me all these signs that she wanted to kiss, but like I don't think I'm ready yet, but I like her a lot and she's really sweet and we like each other a lot. (Just something cool, (lots of laughs), her b-day is the day before mine) Are we compatible and should I kiss her when she gives me signs? ~~Kareem

Advice from Melissa

Hi Kareem:

Kiss her if you want to. If she doesn't want to kiss you back, she won't. Usually you can tell by her body language if she wants you to make a move (if she leans into you a lot, and looks into your eyes, or if she's constantly touching your hand or arm--it generally shows attraction and she's comfortable with you).

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

Hi Kareem:

Don't do it unless you want to, but everything sounds good, you have my permission to kiss your girlfriend. Awww...

~~Katie

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Okay the deal is I’m going into high school soon! And I never had a boyfriend or had my first kiss!! Sometimes I don’t think this is normal. Will I be fine in high school without any experience? My friends always tell me that lucky one will come, but I don’t really know if that will happen because everyone I know already had there first! Thanks

Advice from Melissa

Hi:

First of all, you are very normal. Not everyone learns to walk at the same time, gets potty trained, or stops taking a bottle at the same time, do they? So, whether it’s physical development, or things like boyfriends, first kisses, etc… let it happen naturally. Whenever you try to force a relationship just to please others, it’s never a good thing. Your friends are right, the lucky one will come. Probably the hardest thing for you right now is patience, so just hang in there.

~~Melissa

Advice from Katie

First, let me say that you will be totally and completely fine.

Oh, The people who had “boyfriends” in middle school- I basically failed at being one of those people. I remember, this boy’s friend told my friend that a certain boy liked me. Then he wrote me a note in English class that said something like WILL U GO OUT W/ ME Y/N? and then we spent three days avoiding each other and not talking… I think he gave me a hug once and this was incredibly gossip worthy. Then, 3 days later, his friend delivered a note to me in History class that said we were broken up.

Our passionate and once-in-a-lifetime love affair had ended.

Thus I entered high school, fully understanding the ways of the heart and man’s capacity for love…

Just kidding.

The type of dating that goes on in middle schools isn't really dating. At my middle school, it seemed like everyone was just in this mad panic to have a boyfriend/girlfriend. Which is stupid, and not what dating is like in high school at all- so no matter how many “boyfriends” your friends have had in middle school, you guys are equally inexperienced.

And the same goes for kissing. Every kiss I had in middle school (blame spin the bottle) was AWFUL. I think what you’re doing is waiting for the right moment to kiss someone, not the right moment to, you know, bump mouths with some loser who smells like pizza and AXE effect. Do you want that? Does anyone?

Your middle school dating track record in no way predicts your high school dating life.

The boy who had the most girlfriends at my middle school? Could not BE a bigger loser now, if he tried. Also, he never grew any taller after middle school. Not one inch. His head comes up to my shoulder. And ugly, oh god, ewwwwwwwwwwww.

I am SO glad he was never interested in me. Think: if I had kissed him, I would have had to go through high school, living, every day, with that shame.

~~Katie

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